Wow! Football! I feel as good as Miguel Herrea looks (the Mexican manager photographed above and features in today's man crush). Miguel is experiencing what can only be described as a Goalgasm! Yesterday was amazing! There hasn't been a bad game yet! So come on England! Give us something to be cynical about!
Match of a Sentence: Mexico 1 Cameroon 0
Lots of fancy afros led by an old man with a young person’s goatee get caught in the rain and caught out defensively, despite playing six at the back and Mexico having to score three times to make one count.
Match of a Sentence: Spain 1 Netherlands 5
A Flying Dutchman’s header not only brings Holland into the match but marks a significant sea change (for the game/ the competition/ for an entire generation) as the two Robbins prove there is still life in those old legs by beating Spain for pace, all thanks to a goalkeeper not good enough to play for his club but good enough to get Jose Mourinho sacked.
Match of a Sentence: Chile 3 Australia 1
A team of talented midgets beat the bigger boys from down under but struggle with their vertical disadvantage and seem easily rattled at the back by old man Cahill and his young Leckie (a player destined for Stoke, Hull, QPR).
Don’t Give Up The Pixar Job: Vicente Del Bosca is Mr Potato Head
On a good day Del Bosca looks like an embittered TV detective staring in his own Spanish language version of Columbo (entitled Columbus). However yesterday he was more reminiscent of that old 80s favourite plastic-playschool-plaything Mr Potato head, reinvented here by Pixar. The question has to be asked: can he put his face together after such a defeat.
Man Crush of the Day: Miguel Herrera (Mexico Coach)
Miguel is not the prettiest of subjects, the physical epitome of Michael Cain’s famous line “you’re a big man but your out of shape…” But after watching him get all wet in the rain as he threw himself about on the touchline (and there is a lot of him to throw…may I remind you, the man does have an extra stomach in his chin) I instantly fell in love with the ex-manager of Club America (great name for a Mexican football club). Herrera has a dark alley charm that makes the prospect of him facing Nico Kovac (played by Josef Gordon Levitt) a mouth-watering prospect.
World Cup Predictor
So to give England the advantage, we are basing today’s predictions on the Adult Obesity Prevalence survey, conducted by Public Health England in 2012 (www.noo.org.uk/NOO_about_
Columbia (not ranked) vs Greece (17.5%)
Guessing Columbia, being from the developed world and not exporting Feta but coffee (a dietary laxative), are going to be too feeble to muster the strength to win. Greece 2 Columbia 1
Costa Rica (not ranked) vs Uruguay (not ranked)
Neither team are ranked but after some research (5 minutes browsing on the internet) I discovered that Costa Ricans are fat. Costa Ricans 2 Uruguay 1.
England (24.8%) vs Italy (10.5%)
We are going to bury Andre Pirlo under our John Bull belly and eat a Vindaloo in the process. England 5 Italy 0.
Ivory Coast (not ranked) vs Japan (3.5%)
This is a tough match to call due to the insufficient data on Africa. The cliché is Africans are all too thin and impoverished but actually in United States and England poverty has strong links to obesity; so maybe the Ivory Coast can cause an upset. Definitely more fat on fried plantain than Sushi. Ivory Coast 1 Japan 0.
Ok so here we go… let’s hope for a memorable performance, like against Portugal, Argentina and Germany. Oh wait a second! Oh yes! We only play well when we lose. So let’s play badly and win!
