England's World Cup Life Support Is Turned Off!

So any glimmers of cruel hopes are gone... Costa Rica have put the pillow over our collective head and watched us gently suffocate in the most humane of World Cup exits. The inquest had already begun, however by 7PM yesterday  journalists were being forced to rewrite their conclusion as the team with just one player from the top European leagues had qualified for the last 16. In any other context the British press would be full of patronizing praise for Jorge Luis Pinto's side, but they were too busy being shell-shocked at what had happened. So here is how it happened....

Match of A Sentence: Costa Rica 1 Italy 0
Italy sweat in the heat as their formation changes invites the doggiest of underdogs to bully Italy's Mr Cool into long passes, Ballotie into missing a sitter and England into worrying about EURO 2016.

Match of A Sentence: France 5 Switzerland 2
Le Coiffures continue to impress with five choice cuts as 'the blands' lose the game within two minutes but have to be continually embarrassed by their better looking neighbors for another 72. 

Match of A Sentence: Ecuador 2 Honduras 1
A team of Honduran wrestlers  close line into the lead thanks to (star player and plastic straw chomper) Carlo Costly (amazing name) only for Ecuador's Olympic sprinting team to come back thanks to  two goals form the slightest player on the pitch, Enner Valencia, who is the David to a team of Goliaths.

 Don't Give Up the WWWF...... Carlos Costly, Victor Bernandes, and any Honduran 

The WWWF (The World Wide Wrestling Federation) were re-branded in the late 90s after reports of a few incidents in central America of a group of confused, amateur wrestlers who had been discovered body slamming some pandas (despite them not being indigenous to Central America) . Due to the age of these perpetrators their identity remained a secret and they were enrolled on a government football rehabilitation scheme.  I can now reveal that two of these men were Carlos Costly and Victor Bernandes of the Honduran national football team. Carlos Costly's original name was Samuel Benitez, however he changed his name when turning 18 to his preferred wrestler identity, The Money Man: Carlos Costly. Carlos has been glob trotting under the guise of a professional footballer for last eight years across 10 different countries as a front for his international career as an underground wrestler. On the football pitch he still chomps on a plastic straw mid-match in tribute to his wrestling persona, he calls this "the last straw."  Meanwhile Victor Bernandes has simply incorporated his love for wrestling into his position as Honduras's first choice center back. Victor has great swagger and has been known to Choke Grip, Back Break or Power Bomb opponents off the ball, however his long distance free kick shots with theatrical dance run up has really lit up the World Cup. As both players deal with their wrestling problem they have been protected by the tutelage of Luis Suarz, the Honduran manager who has been know to run to the touchline with a steel chair in support of his players. 

Man Crush of The Day: Christian Bolanas

Players like Cost Rica's winger Christian Bolanas are reason alone to watch the World Cup, just like Carlos Costly and Enner Valencia this midfielder is not big name player who has made name for himself. England players take note, this is how to be dogged winger, pushing up into the Italians faces. As he grew into the game his sweat ganerred him a greasy quality making him slippery in attack. If there is any justice (and to be honest this is a shit reward) he will be signed up by Stoke, Southampton or any mid-level premier league team. Plus he looks like he should be playing at Wimbledon on Monday.

World Cup Predictor 
Clearly yesterday was owned by Cost Rica and our patronsiing media reminindg that the coutry has a population of 4,586,353 in comparison to England's 53,012,456. So in the name of patronizing any football team with the smallest population,lets reward the limited human resources against the many. 

Argentina (41,660,417) VS Iran (77,176,930) 
Never new Iran had so many people and sudquently Argentina are favourites even if they are the less patronized.
Argentina 3 Iran 1

Ghana (24,200,000) VS Germany (80,219, 695)
Who actually dislikes Ghana? The fans will get their reward against the most fancied European team.
Ghana 3 Germany 1

Nigeria (174,507,539) VS Bosnia Herzegovina (3,871,643) 
Bosnia are the best patronized team at this tournament, its hard not to love them as they sink Nigeria's world cup hopes
Bosnia 5 Nigeria 0

So England maybe out but I got a date with my two other favorite teams, Bosnia Herzegovina and Ghana. Oddly during the Uruguay England match Italian television sent out the below subliminal message mid match (true story)

.No wonder we were doomed, the collective consciousness of Italian psychics were against was against us....