We Only Play Well When We Lose

"We only play well when we lose." The classic cliche of England in the knock out stages of an  international football tournament was sadly applicable to our first in game in the group stages. Normally after playing well and therefore losing I get flight of national pride only to be consumed by the pain and regret of missed chances, red cards and penalties, but with the promise of two games to play in the competition our redemption awaits us.We still have time for optimism how often can you say that about an England defeat. 

Match of a Sentence: Columbia 3 Greece 0

A West Ham player who never plays (and has a protruding arse) shocks himself by opening the scoring for Columbia that subsequently leads to a causal and celebratory win as the Greek team concede two more.

Match of a Sentence: Costa Rica 3 Uruguay 1

Group of Death comes alive as Costa Rica ignore the script and Uruguayan player's nipples (Puma really need to stop their tight fitting kits ) to come from behind and destroy a terrible Uruguayan defense with an the an attack spearheaded by a pregnant man with a great name. 

Match of a Sentence: England 1 Italy 2

Ashley Cole's wake as England are so horribly exposed down the left that not even an entire squad of young, pacy, exciting players can cover up the poor positioning, as a 35 year old barely breaks a sweat and dominates the midfield.

Match of a Sentence: Japan 1 Ivory Coast 2

Honda keeps up his world cup reputation by scoring  and then the Ivorian release the Drog and they equalize within two minutes and take the lead in five.

Don't Give Up Being Scary: Neil Lennon is the Undead.

Neil Lennon bulges out of his shirt in the BBC's studio outside Copacabana and swaps jibes with Clarence Seedorf and Gary Linker was good punditry but he looks like he would be more comfortable in an episode of Doctor Who or big budget horror movie. Its not Lennon's hard man image that scares me its his whiter than white skin and blood thirsty teeth. 

Man Crush of the Day: Andrea Pirlo

One of Pirlo's many attributes is that he is an insanely hansom man, everyone forgets to mark him because they want to watch him. When your  football legend you arrogantly do everything at your own pace  and his Rodger Federrer like timing means he is never late you are always too early. Even at my height of heartache last night I could not help but purr over his free kick.

World Cup Predictor

So today's predictions based on the age of consent. Let the most sexually liberated be congratulated and prudes be punished.

Switzerland (age of consent 16) vs Ecuador (age of consent 14)

Swiss are as repressed as English and fall to the South Americans who conform to stereotype as the more sexually free. Switzerland 1 Ecuador 2.

France (age of consent:15) vs Honduras (age of consent: non existent ) 

So the French are not as liberated as you would of thought but Honduras lack of law does mean it is open to some worrying interpretations. France 1 Honduras 3.

Argentina (age of consent: 13-18 ) vs Bosnia Herzegovina (age of consent:14 )

Argentina have more complicated laws than Bosnia Herzegovina who prefer their love to be more simple. Argentina 1 Bosnia Herzegovina 1 (Bosnia win cause Argentina to field an illegible player).

So my hangover has finally gone and I have apologized to anyone who witnessed my zealous support for England, I am sure I will be well rested for Thursday. Its not the first time but it maybe its  the last time we are heartbroken by Pirlo...