We Only Play Well When We Lose

"We only play well when we lose." The classic cliche of England in the knock out stages of an  international football tournament was sadly applicable to our first in game in the group stages. Normally after playing well and therefore losing I get flight of national pride only to be consumed by the pain and regret of missed chances, red cards and penalties, but with the promise of two games to play in the competition our redemption awaits us.We still have time for optimism how often can you say that about an England defeat. 

Match of a Sentence: Columbia 3 Greece 0

A West Ham player who never plays (and has a protruding arse) shocks himself by opening the scoring for Columbia that subsequently leads to a causal and celebratory win as the Greek team concede two more.

Match of a Sentence: Costa Rica 3 Uruguay 1

Group of Death comes alive as Costa Rica ignore the script and Uruguayan player's nipples (Puma really need to stop their tight fitting kits ) to come from behind and destroy a terrible Uruguayan defense with an the an attack spearheaded by a pregnant man with a great name. 

Match of a Sentence: England 1 Italy 2

Ashley Cole's wake as England are so horribly exposed down the left that not even an entire squad of young, pacy, exciting players can cover up the poor positioning, as a 35 year old barely breaks a sweat and dominates the midfield.

Match of a Sentence: Japan 1 Ivory Coast 2

Honda keeps up his world cup reputation by scoring  and then the Ivorian release the Drog and they equalize within two minutes and take the lead in five.

Don't Give Up Being Scary: Neil Lennon is the Undead.

Neil Lennon bulges out of his shirt in the BBC's studio outside Copacabana and swaps jibes with Clarence Seedorf and Gary Linker was good punditry but he looks like he would be more comfortable in an episode of Doctor Who or big budget horror movie. Its not Lennon's hard man image that scares me its his whiter than white skin and blood thirsty teeth. 

Man Crush of the Day: Andrea Pirlo

One of Pirlo's many attributes is that he is an insanely hansom man, everyone forgets to mark him because they want to watch him. When your  football legend you arrogantly do everything at your own pace  and his Rodger Federrer like timing means he is never late you are always too early. Even at my height of heartache last night I could not help but purr over his free kick.

World Cup Predictor

So today's predictions based on the age of consent. Let the most sexually liberated be congratulated and prudes be punished.

Switzerland (age of consent 16) vs Ecuador (age of consent 14)

Swiss are as repressed as English and fall to the South Americans who conform to stereotype as the more sexually free. Switzerland 1 Ecuador 2.

France (age of consent:15) vs Honduras (age of consent: non existent ) 

So the French are not as liberated as you would of thought but Honduras lack of law does mean it is open to some worrying interpretations. France 1 Honduras 3.

Argentina (age of consent: 13-18 ) vs Bosnia Herzegovina (age of consent:14 )

Argentina have more complicated laws than Bosnia Herzegovina who prefer their love to be more simple. Argentina 1 Bosnia Herzegovina 1 (Bosnia win cause Argentina to field an illegible player).

So my hangover has finally gone and I have apologized to anyone who witnessed my zealous support for England, I am sure I will be well rested for Thursday. Its not the first time but it maybe its  the last time we are heartbroken by Pirlo...

Rain On Me....and especially Spain

Wow! Football! I feel as good as Miguel Herrea looks (the Mexican manager photographed above and features in today's man crush). Miguel is experiencing what can only be described as a Goalgasm! Yesterday was amazing! There hasn't been a bad game yet! So come on England! Give us something to be cynical about!

Match of a Sentence: Mexico 1 Cameroon 0

Lots of fancy afros led by an old man with a young person’s goatee get caught in the rain and caught out defensively, despite playing six at the back and Mexico having to score three times to make one count.

Match of a Sentence: Spain 1 Netherlands 5

A Flying Dutchman’s header not only brings Holland into the match but marks a significant sea change (for the game/ the competition/ for an entire generation) as the two Robbins prove there is still life in those old legs by beating Spain for pace, all thanks to a goalkeeper not good enough to play for his club but good enough to get Jose Mourinho sacked.

Match of a Sentence: Chile 3 Australia 1

A team of talented midgets beat the bigger boys from down under but struggle with their vertical disadvantage and seem easily rattled at the back by old man Cahill and his young Leckie (a player destined for Stoke, Hull, QPR).

Don’t Give Up The Pixar Job: Vicente Del Bosca is Mr Potato Head

On a good day Del Bosca looks like an embittered TV detective staring in his own Spanish language version of Columbo (entitled Columbus). However yesterday he was more reminiscent of that old 80s favourite plastic-playschool-plaything Mr Potato head, reinvented here by Pixar. The question has to be asked: can he put his face together after such a defeat.

Man Crush of the Day: Miguel Herrera (Mexico Coach)

Miguel is not the prettiest of subjects, the physical epitome of Michael Cain’s famous line “you’re a big man but your out of shape…” But after watching him get all wet in the rain as he threw himself about on the touchline (and there is a lot of him to throw…may I remind you, the man does have an extra stomach in his chin) I instantly fell in love with the ex-manager of Club America (great name for a Mexican football club). Herrera has a dark alley charm that makes the prospect of him facing Nico Kovac (played by Josef Gordon Levitt) a mouth-watering prospect.

World Cup Predictor

So to give England the advantage, we are basing today’s predictions on the Adult Obesity Prevalence survey, conducted by Public Health England in 2012 (www.noo.org.uk/NOO_about_obesity/adult_obesity/international). Sadly the data only covers selected countries from around the globe.

Columbia (not ranked) vs Greece (17.5%)

Guessing Columbia, being from the developed world and not exporting Feta but coffee (a dietary laxative), are going to be too feeble to muster the strength to win. Greece 2 Columbia 1

Costa Rica (not ranked) vs Uruguay (not ranked)

Neither team are ranked but after some research (5 minutes browsing on the internet) I discovered that Costa Ricans are fat. Costa Ricans 2 Uruguay 1.

England (24.8%) vs Italy (10.5%)

We are going to bury Andre Pirlo under our John Bull belly and eat a Vindaloo in the process. England 5 Italy 0.

Ivory Coast (not ranked) vs Japan (3.5%)

This is a tough match to call due to the insufficient data on Africa. The cliché is Africans are all too thin and impoverished but actually in United States and England poverty has strong links to obesity; so maybe the Ivory Coast can cause an upset. Definitely more fat on fried plantain than Sushi. Ivory Coast 1 Japan 0.  

Ok so here we go… let’s hope for a memorable performance, like against Portugal, Argentina and Germany. Oh wait a second! Oh yes! We only play well when we lose. So let’s play badly and win!

The Uninvited World Cup

So it turns out that no one really likes football in Brazil and the national myth of samba, soccer and sex propagated by the world media should be replaced by the image of the socially conscious protester. Its great thing that the protests are happening but I just hope it does not make me feel guilty for watching all this football. It’s not like buying a Nestle Chocolate Bar in 90s? Or McDonalds? Or a Coca-Cola? Only Pele will forgive me and I don't trust him.

So here my guilt free but politically aware thoughts.

Match of a Sentence: Brazil vs Croatia: 3 - 1

Everyone knows the best parties don’t go to plan; so after Marcelo puts his foot in it, Fred had embarrassed himself by falling over, the guests had been robbed, and everyone had to rely on the kid with an obnoxious haircut and a shit eating grin to provide some class to a broken party, you really can’t be surprised that the local residents got upset and fired rocks at Adrian Chiles.

Don’t Give Up The Movie Job: Niko Kovac is Joseph Gordon Levitt

Great to see movie star, Joseph Gordon Levitt, moonlighting as Croatia’s manager. He must be going method for his next role as a football manager betrayed by sport he was sworn to protect, bringing an air of theatrics with his post-match comments “If that’s a penalty we don’t need to play football anymore.” 

Man crush of the Day: Oscar

Maybe its Calvin Klein bus advert but Oscar seemed to be the only classy Brazilian going forward.

World Cup Predictor

In keeping with theme set by yesterday's economic protests in Brazil, all of today’s matches will be predicted by their countries standing on 2014 Index on Economic Freedom (visit www.heritage.org/index/ranking ). I got to admit I think Economic freedom is a bit of an metaphysical oxymoron but I will leave that for another blog.

Mexico (Ranked 55) VS Cameroon (Ranked 136)

Comfortable 3-0 win for Mexico but luckily we know that in football terms it will actually be a tight game.

Spain (Ranked 49) VS   Netherlands (Ranked 15)

Anyone worried this game will be boring and not live up to the hype (see this graph)

Sure you are now thrilled at the prospect. If you’re having problems reading this graph, Spain lose 2-0. Upset!

Chile (Ranked 7) VS Australia (Ranked 3)

A tight match from two of the superpowers of economic freedom but Australia win 2-1.

More football irrelevance about Brazil 2014 tomorrow or as it should be re branded World Cup for The Uninvited. 

The Shortest World Cup Preview Ever: Group H

So here we are! About to witness a whole month of football but before we get lost in the theatre of international politics acted out on a football pitch let me provide the last word(s) on the final group.

Group G

Algeria are… Etranger

Etranger
noun qui viet d’un utre pays. (ENGLISH TRANSLATION: not good enough for the French team). 

Belgium are… Aspirant

Aspirant

noun a person who aspires, as one who seeks or desires a career, advancement, status, higher wages.: The Belgium aspirants for the world cup for the world cup had a great press release and fitted the media’s narrative agenda.

Russia are… Sleeper

Sleeper

noun 1 a person or thing that sleeps (on social liberties) 2. a heavy horizontal timber for distributing loads (they are a big team) 3. Any long wooden, metal, or stone piece lying horizontally as a sill or footing (don’t think they are going to cope with the heat) 4. Informal. Something or someone that becomes unexpectedly successful or important after a period of being unnoticed, ignored, or considered unpromising or a failure: Russia are a sleeper to reach quarter finals or more likely Russia are sleeper geo-political threat.

South Korea… Charm

Charm

noun 1 a power of pleasing or attracting, as through personality or beauty: Koreans have a charm of manner when they play that is infectious. 2 a trait or feature imparting this power (they always qualify). 3 charms, attractiveness. 4. something worn or carried on one’s person for its supposed magic effects (there must have been some reason how they reached the semi-finals of 2002 world cup).

No that that’s over and I can least say I have improved my vocabulary through football we can stop speculating and start reacting.

Tonight I expect a battle of the bad hairdos with Croatia coming a cropper with Brazil shaving past them by two goals. During the opening ceremony, watch out for ITV commentator and unofficial BNP spokesman, Clive Tyldseley, making snide remarks about FIFA, some embarrassing sexual allusions when an attractive women appears on screen and some unintentional causal racist remarks. Don’t expect him to call the Germans aeonian, describe Italy as opaque or celebrate Argentina’s acuity. Everyone has their niche when the world is football but Clive Tyldseley has actually inspired avant-garde musical theater….

I have not watched the entire thing but its all on Youtube! Please let me know if anyone has watched this all the way through but at the moment I am a bit too busy with all things world cup.

The Shortest World Cup Preview Ever: Group F

Group F

Iran are... Thanatophobia

Thanatophobia

noun an abnormal fear of death. (this team will beat itself before the opposition score)

Bosnia Herzogovina are …Raffle
Raffle
noun 1. a form of lottery in which a number of persons buy one or more chances to win a prize 2. to dispose of by a raffle 3. To take part in a raffle. (still don’t know if they are winners of the raffle or are worth the gamble)

Nigeria are… Upsurging

Upsurging
verb (used without object) to surge up; increase; rise: after hitting rock bottom and not qualifying Nigeria upsurged to win the African cup of nations. noun the act of surging up: a large or rapid increase: The upsurge of seas was caused by Moses. 

Argentina are… Acuity

 Acuity
noun sharpness; acuteness; keenness: acuity of vision; acuity of mind. (blink and you’ll miss the goals or them winning the world cup).

The below was sent by my mum and it’s the best England supporters song I have heard for this world cup, however I have heard none.

The Shortest World Cup Preview Ever: Group G

Group G

Another attempt to broaden the football vocabulary while at the same time shortening it. John Motson read this..

Germany are… Aeonian

Aeonian (love this word)

adjective everlasting ; eternal.

Portugal are… Gall

Gall (hate this word)

noun 1. Imprudence; effrontery.2 bile, especially that of an animal.3 something bitter or severe.4.bitterness of spirit; rancor. (Anyone who is not a Man U, Real or Portugal fan understands what I am getting at).

USA are… Lionize

Lionize (indifferent to his word)

verb (used with object) to exhibit the objects of interest of (place/person/or themselves). verb (used without object) to visit the objects of interest of interest of a place (basically they are like keen tourists).

Ghana are… Avengement

Avengement (impossible to be indifferent to this word)

noun the inflicting of retributive punishment; satisfaction taken

(they maybe not quite superheroes but watch out Uruguay).

And just to prove football and superheroes should never mix or Chelsea and Superheroes!            I give you

Doesn't that make you feel sick inside.

The Shortest World Cup Preview Ever: Group E

This maybe a reductive world cup preview but you have to agree it would improve most pundits vocabulary…

Group H

France are…Malfeasance (how evil does that word sound)

Malfeasance

noun the performance by a public official of an act that is legally unjustified (how did they get this easy), harmful (home of FIFA), or contrary to law (ask Ireland); wrongdoing (at least Nasri will not be there)

Ecuador are… Funambulist

Funambulist

noun a tightrope walker (good at high altitude (home games) rubbish away (every game at the world cup)).

Honduras are…. Mollycoddled

noun 1. A man of boy who is used to being coddled; a milksop (as the recent friendly against England demonstrated this team are bunch of big babies of the violent kind) verb (used with object), 2. To coddle pamper. The western media coddle Honduras football team despite them all being built like Brick-shit house.

Switzerland are… Normcore (will be in the Oxford Dictionary soon)

noun is a unisex fashion trend characterized by unpretentious, average-looking clothing (not saying they are an asexual team they are just a bit per functionary)

And just to prove normcore is a real thing…

For the record Jerry, George, Krammer and Elaine will not be playing for Switzerland because that would be anything but normal.