The World Cup is drama regardless of quality of the football

It does not matter how bad a game of football is when the game is in the knock out stages of the World Cup. World Cup knock out grantees drama. So let's not dwell on the poor quality of the quarter finals and the predictable results since we entered the knock out stages. Instead let's appreciate the soap operatic narrative, from the foul fest of Brazil Columbia to Louis Van Gal's Kruel narrative twist on Saturday night's penalty shoot out. The World Cup is drama regardless of quality of the football and that's why everyone watches it, its bigger than football.


Match of A Sentence: Belgium 0 Argentina 1
Belgium players try to play footsy with Messi and Couteois does some impressive fist pumps but Argentina only need to turn up to seven to see off the over rated generation.

Match of A Sentence: Costa Rica 0 Netherlands 0 (Netherlands win on penalties)
Like a Hollywood epic the game begun with a dauntingly boring first hour but as more time expired the final half hour reached a spin tingling climax.

Don't Give Up Being a Butthead... Louis Van Gaal

Van Gaal has a face you want to hate. The high hair line and protruding chin elongates his often smug and self congratulatory persona. For the first time in Premier League history Mourinho may well have met his match when it comes to which manger has larger ego. Van Gaal likes to refer to himself in the third person, a quality only he and Mourinho share. However Mourinho is undoubtedly good looking, his arrogance has a Mediterranean charm that makes him the casanova of the Premier League. In contrast  Van Gaal's appearance exudes the self assurance of a bond villain. No lovable rogue quality just a horrible stench of success, an ideal fit for everyone's most hated club, Man U.

Man Crush of The Day: Keylor Navas

Its been a World Cup for goal keepers, Ochoa performance against Brazil, Neuer becoming a sweeper for Germany, M'Bohli against Germany. Tim Kruel will no doubt get all the plaudits for coming on and saving Costa Ricca's penalties but the best keeper of the tournament was actually his opposite number. Keylor Navas has only conceded two goals the entire tournament, playing in all five matches. Against Greece and Holland he twice had one of those games. My only image I have of him is his muscular frame stretched horizontal in the air. This image is so embed in my memory that I don't think I would recognize him if he was vertically starring at me face to face. In a constant aerial glide he effortlessly imposed himself on the games and did it without the macho swagger you see from the majority of keepers. Tim Kruel could learn a lot!

So no upsets since the knock out stages. Every team running of the same script (with the exception of Neymar injury) but if this World Cup is to be remembered as one of the greatest then we are now due a classic.

The Inevitability of Greatness

The inevitability of greatness that hangs over the later stages of the World Cup can suffocate the football. The occasion can overpower the less reputable and younger teams, Columbia and France, so the high decorated and experience teams, Germany and Brazil, win without even playing well but predictably keeping calm under pressure. The first two quarter finals felt like a well rehearsed play fulfilling the narrative for all the teams but like spectacular free kicks you can still appreciate a well practiced routine, even if it does not unexpectedly deviate from the set text.

Match of A Sentence: Germany 1 France 0

Germany score an early goal to kick off an exciting end to end game or they just slowly play out the game as a one nil  victory in a cliched efficient style,  leaving the French team to contemplate next seasons hairdo. 

Match Of A Sentence: Brazil 2 Colombians 1

Brazil bully a goal out of the Colombians who spend the first half shell shocked, only for their late flourishes to be extinguished by a spectacular free kick from the resident clown.

Don't Give Up Being All things Vile..... Thomas Muller

Dear Thomas,
Before you win the World Cup in the smuggest way possible and pick up the golden boot for the second time can you please pause and remember to keep up the good work of being a feral weasel,  having the most unlikable of faces, being the embodiment of a poor winner, appearing as a German Ken doll, the most loathed man in football, an athlete that no one aspires to be and everyone's favorite hate figure. Please remember it would be a duller World Cup without you and all the hate we have for you. 

Yours Sincerely

Joachim Low 
On behalf of all Germans

Man Crush Neymar: RIP

Here lies a man I did not think I cared about  but only now he is gone do I realize that all my misplaced  energy in hating him was fueled by an unconscious love and desire. I should have seen past the notorious bad hair styles, the sly grin and the arrogant strutting. Neymar is a special player, for example only a few players can dress like the king of rock n roll and look so adorably innocent.

Elvis Has Left The Tournament

World Cup Value Predictor

If money ruled the world then football would be this boring...

Belgium VS Argentina 

Argentina is massive in size and provides the world with soya beans, wheat, corn and a little bit of oil in contrast to Belgium which is tiny and its biggest exports are oil, pharmaceuticals and bureaucracy. Turns out bureaucracy pays  better than food. Put in a simple economic equation.Take Belgium's GDP per capita of 43,426 US dollars + Argentina GDP per capita of  11,573.06 US dollars = Belgium 3 Argentina 1

Costa Rica VS Netherlands

Lets not waste time with speculation, economics is just pure Maths! Take Netherlands superior GDP per capita of 43,426 US dollars + Costa Rica's inferior GDP per capita  of 9386.30 US dollars = Netherlands 4 Costa Rica 0

Forget that Costa Rica are one of the most environmentally friendly counties in the world and have the highest life expectancy rate in Latin America because really they haven't got any money to show for it.

So we have had Neymar's shock injury, vital to any third act World Cup narrative and now its time for an unlikely player to save the tournament, as unlikely as Lionel Messi.

Money Makes The World Cup Turn

I have currently predicted the World Cup matches through random statistics, fact based moral prejudice and xenophobia. Surely its time to get real and actually judge the countries through a more serious quantifiable measure i.e. Money. If FIFA have taught us anything about football its that money makes the World Cup turn.....

World Cup Value Predictor

France VS Germany 

Germany 4th largest economy in the world with a GDP of 42,624.75 US dollars per capita. Since the beginning of history the French maybe resistant with GDP of  39,771.84 US dollars per capita but they still will always be Germany's bitch. 

Germany 2 France 1

Brazil Vs Columbia

Its good to know that all that deforestation, pacification and corruption has paid off. Brazil is first letter of infamous BRICS (Russia, India and China) so they must be the most important  with a GDP per capita of 11,339.52 US dollars. Poor Columbia! They should stop concentrating on football and dance routines because their GDP per capita is only 7,747.84  US dollars. My advice to any budding Colombian football fan ignore the protesters and get out their and cut down all your trees, campaign for low wages and sta pushing people out of their own homes

Brazil 3 Columbia 0

If you do want to know what the financial world think really of the world cup besides its being a good place to network then visit this site. 

http://www.bloomberg.com/visual-data/world-cup/#0,0,-1

I think they did a little more research. 

Anyway forget the money its all about the foootballl!!!!!

World Cup Sobriety

So the hands have stopped shaking, the head aches have passed and I am no longer hugging the toilet because of the prospect of two mouth watering World Cup Quarter Finals.  The curse of football sobriety is your mind is left thinking constantly about football and the most productive but utterly pointless outlet for this addiction is to form lists. Every football nerd loves a list, because a list brings structure and significance to the last three weeks. So here is my validation....

Teams I Want To Win The World Cup, Who Still can, And Why (love a elongated title)

1. Columbia: Even if Columbia play three bad matches and win the World Cup in the most underwhelming manner they have already played four outstanding matches.

2. Germany: The best international team of the last four years have still not won a trophy. They deserve the confirmation that this is a great team that plays a very distinctive brand of football: a mix of Spanish styled possession with a high pressing physicality of their own. 

3. France: Despite the over use of hair products these fair weather travellers (yet to play in a hot climate) have been surprisingly good. You could complain they have not played anyone good but the style of their victories cannot be ignored. 

4. Argentina: They have not played well, seriously they have been awful, but they have the best player of his generation. If he is to win a World Cup to crown his greatness I would love him to do it in Brazil. 

5. Belgium: Another functional disappointment! They have only played well in the last game despite never losing. Full of players who could be great but are currently not.You could say they are in good Kompany.

6. Netherlands: They may be the smuggest team in the tournament with the most brilliantly arrogant manager but they have contributed to the most exciting games. If they win I will have to cover my eyes from their shit eating grins and self-congratulatory hugs.

7. Brazil: It's taken one controversial tournament for Brazil to lose all the love they have built up over sixty years with the neutrals across the world. They play like a bunch of weeping giants led by a boy king with a terrible hair cut. As soon as they win, as I think they will I will run away. 

8.Costa Rica: Everyone loves Cost Rica but their best performance came in their first two matches and I just feel the whole tournament will be cheapened if they won. Let the hate mail start flowing. 

Best Games From The Group Stages

1. GHANA 2 GERMANY 2: One of the best forty five minutes of my life! Forget first halves as long as all games finish like this. Germany did not play badly, Ghana were simply really good. It had dancing, literally blood sweat and tears, and technically it was the best match of halve of the tournament.

2. NETHERLANDS  AUSTRALIA 3
This game was so good I was cheering Australians! A team that everyone expected to lose every game and be the whipping boys of the tournament actually did lose every game but played some of the best high tempo football of the tournament. Netherlands and especially Arjen Robben played the come back villains, rubbing off Tim Cahil's swan song wonder strike. Forget the Dutch's glamour victory against the Spanish in the second half, this was a real contest.

3. PORTUGAL 2 USA 2
Ronaldo desperately tries to pull his team through the game with an amazing dance routine against the collective brilliance of the United States. 

4. GHANA 1 USA 2
Clearly Group D lived up to the hype as the group of death and this game had an incredible ending with two teams again waking up in the second half to bring form an amazing climax. I may have awoken my neighbours at midnight but it was worth it. 

5. ENGLAND 1 ITALY 2: Tactically we should have played for a draw and not exerted our selves in the heat but did'nt we play well. If you look at the stats both teams had a high level of pass completion which proved that this was technically a great game as well as a drama. From the heart break opening goal, to Sturridge's well deserved equaliser, England narrowly not taking advantage, Balotelli living up to his own hype and everyone (even when we were losing) purred over Pirlo's free kick. Both teams never played better and were out of the tournament within a week.

TOP FIVE LIST I HAVE NOT GOT TIME TO WRITE

1. Co-commentators who sound like Post Man Pat Characters: Clarke Caryle is Postman Pat (seriously close your eyes durring the match), Ted Glenn is Mark Lawrenson (they look similar) and Robbie Savage is Jess the cat (just so he shuts the fuck up). 

2. Players with accidentally Offensive Names: Shatoff, DJerkoff and that's just Russia.

3. Most Pun-able Player:  I personally love the cleverest player of the tournament, Jonathan Mensah.

4. Best Hug of the Tournament: Been a huge amount of love in this tournament and its good to log this male appreciation to prove all the macho types wrong. 

5. Things I should of Done With The Last Three weeks: No regrets. Really!

World Cup Come Down

In five minutes it will have been twenty four hours since the last final whistle and at least 41 hours till the start of the next match. The come down did start on Sunday (when we stopped having three matches in succession from the group stages)  but is only now taking effect. I mean I even went to work today and the below feels like a distant memory

Match of A Sentence: Argentina 1 Switzerland 0

The best player on the pitch desperately tries to get his team mates into the game but Shaquiri can't carry the blands into the quarter finals, so eventually Messi sets up an unworthy team into the next round. 

Match of A Sentence: Belgium 2 USA 1

This game could have existed only in extra time and it would include more drama than any other game in the tournament, Belgium actually playing well with a goal from Prince Harry, a striker scoring his point, an American retaliation you felt you could cheer, the most well worked free kick you have never seen, the biggest miss so far and actual shock and awe (in a good non-Rumsfeld way).

Don't Give Up Being A Ghost.... Michael Bradly 

USA's Michael Bradly is the whitest man I have seen at the World Cup. You would think it must be an advantage playing the midfielder in such blazing sunshine cause the reflected light would blind the opposition. As well as physically conveying all attributes associated with being a ghost, he is for Villa fans a metaphorical ghost. Michael Bradly played on loan for Villa from the German league in 2011 and did nothing. A ghost in the worst possible sense of the word; Villa fans were not impressed. Now Villa fans will be even less impressed because after Tim Howard, Michael Bradly was easily the best player on the pitch. His running was tireless, it was like he was haunting the Belgium midfield, appearing everywhere in the second half of extra time, and terrified the defense into conceding a goal. The USA have won a lot of friends and that's because we all love a good ghost story.

Man Crush of The Day: Mark Lawrenson 

Mark Lawrenson has supposedly caused a twitter scrape (not really a fight more a coming together of inane opinions) during his co-commentary of the Switzerland game when he said in response to a weak shot from a Swiss player "he should've put a skirt on." Clearly this was ironic sexism, which does not make it any less sexist,and anyone less upset, but I would much prefer people to complain about the obnoxious tone of Robbie Savage, the lack of vocabulary of Phillip Nevile, and the vacuum of smugness that engulfs Andy Townsend. Lawrenson's comments were just a bit granddad and I actually find his maturity and honesty refreshing. Most modern day co-commentators would berate the Swiss player in such a warped and overly aggressive manner you would think they were to face trail for war crimes in the Hague. Lawrenson actually laughs at football in a very dry manner not succumbing to the 24 hour melodrama in front of him and bringing a genuine (clearly not thought through) personality. Mark Lawrenson does not tow the party-line Premier League propaganda and make vile gaffs off camera; he is not like the rightly disgraced misguided misogynists Richard Keys or Andy Grey. Mark Lawrenson is a man resigned like only a man his age can be and isas British as the rain. He is an ideal co-commentator because a) he actually see's football as entertainment whether it is played badly or played well; and b) he looks like this and should not be allowed to be seen on screen for fear he will scare the kids.

So my hands have stopped shaking, the sweating has decreased and I am no longer hallucinating but I guess I am not quite cold football turkey yet. Got 6 more days before I go clean.

Where Did All The Other Teams Go!

Now after every match a team is being sent home. The cup is getting inevitably shorter and the world smaller. Soon we will be in a World only populated by Brazilians, Dutch, Germans and Argentinians. But before we start speculating we have two more obituaries to write

Match of A Sentence: France 2 Nigeria 0

Young Shoreditch hairdressers get nervous when facing off to less metro-sexual Africans; luckily little Valbreana is too cute (and small), wearing his socks over his knees, seducing the Nigerians into encouraging him to score.

Match of A Sentence: Germany 2 Algeria 0

A team of 80s frat-boy-villains look outdated, almost allowing Algeria to achieve a Mighty Ducks narrative win, only for them to score an early goal in extra time making you lament golden goals.. 

Don't Give Up Having A Funny Face....... Mesut Ozil is Peter Lorre

Messut Ozil does not have the face to be cheered in the stands but sadly jeered and booed! Like the incredibly talented but forever typecast Hollywood villain, Peter Lorre who share his sick puppy face. Its not that Ozil has the arrogance of Ronaldo to upset or anger fans; it's that he seems to be demoted to classy character roles. Such a big star four years ago, very much the leader of a young German side, he has now retreated into a Noirish shadow cast by the Bayern Munich players, Thomas Muller, Mario Gotze and Phillip Lahm. Peter Lorre  may have never been a star except when he was playing child murders and perverts but often his performance was the best on screen. So Ozil might not be the leading man he once hoped to be but he needs to remember that their are many Christopher Marlows, but there is only one Peter Lorre.

Man Crush Of The Day: Peter Odemwingie
Sometimes you have a love you don't understand. The boyfriend your parents told you not to go out with, not because he was a bad boy but because he was generally a really fucked-up mess of a person. Peter Odemwingie is that boyfriend! The kind of man who is always going to cause drama. Peter is famous for driving to a prospective new club, the uber rich Queens Park Rangers, on transfer deadline day only to be told that he needed to go back to his current club, West Brom. This is the same as the weird kid knocking on your door and offering you flowers he has picked from your own garden and swearing his undying love for you; Peter was just a little confused not actually cunning but naive and embarrassing. My attraction to Peter must be based on that odd sincerity and the comfort in knowing that he would be too thick to ever cheat on me and get away with it. Also we forget after such drama off the pitch that Peter can actually play on it and for the first half against France he dominated the midfield and looked like the player most likely to create a chance. So forget the public embarrassment, forget falling out with every manager you have ever had and forget thanking therapist in post-match interviews. Peter is a mad love, one that makes the world a more interesting place.

World Cup Moral Barometer 

Today's judgments using ill informed opinion and invalidated facts from Wikipedia.

Argentina VS Switzerland

Moral Argument: For Sun readers the country that stole the Falklands and gave us Maradonna are second only to the Germans as being sperm of Satan, while they perceive the Swiss as cuckoo clock making simpletons who like pen knifes and bank accounts. When actually Argentina after the economic crash in 2002 have been growing steadily and not seen the poverty gap widen. In contrast Swiss nationals have the right to own fire arms, many homes come with air raid bunkers and they have brought in laws banning minarets, with the public believing "Islam is not compatible with Swiss life." So the country that gave you Maradonna or country that believes the Apocalypse is imminent.

In Football Terms: The Swiss are going to be as defensive as their immigration policy (dam tight)  while Argentina are going to play such an attacking line-up that most of their players will be out of position, except the best player in the world.

Argentina 3 Switzerland 0

Belgium VS USA

Moral Argument: So much has been written about the morality of the United States that it seems pointless add to the argument, and Belgium is a made up country.So ask yourself the simple question - hamburgers or chocolate?

In Football Terms: Lots of talented players appear functional while a lot of functional players appear talented. You decided which is which?

Belgium 1 USA 1 (USA win on penalties and burgers)

Soon I will never mention two of these teams again. I would say we have seen two memorable sides be sent home since entering the knock-out stages:Mexico and Chile. Uruguay and bigger sides may have taken the headlines but plaudits for being a memorable World Cup team who no one wanted see to leave belongs to the Chileans and Mexicans. Maybe Switzerland and USA will prove me wrong...

The World Cup Is Killing Me

It could be the eight cigarettes a day or the twenty four units of alcohol in constant circulation in my blood stream but I like to blame the late goal drama for causing my heart to suffer. 

Match of A Sentence: Mexico 2 Netherlands 1

We have not seen Holland sweat lthis much, as Robin does a lot of falling over which eventually wins the game, while Ochua continues to audition for goalkeeper of the tournament and Mexico are beaten by drinks breaks.


Match of A Sentence: Greece 1 Costa Rica 1

Greek bald patches and beards look  more likely to score but they concede the slowest goal in World Cup history, fortunately Cost Rica feel guilty and get a man sent off, helping Greece nab a goal back until the game is decided in the most exciting and highest quality penalty shoot out in recent memory.

Don't Give Up God.... Georgios Samaras is Jesus Christ

Forgive them Father for the Greeks know not what they do! You sent your son to help them, to perform miracles by turning their turgid defense into free flowing attack. Only for them to leave him out in the Wilderness, tirelessly running with no support to help him. Samaras offered them salvation but instead they worshiped the false idol of Konstantinos Mitroglou. Mitroglou a man who looks like a demonic Arab gentleman from a Victorian novel, part time trickster, illusionist and follower of Satan. 

Konstantinos Mitroglou aka Zoltar The Magnificent

Man Crush of the Day: Georgious Karagounis 

Anyone who as been reading my blog recently will know I am partial to an older man. So after Georgious Karagounis 120 minute performance at the tender age of 37 I was swooning. I love an unassuming appearance, look at that picture and tell me he looks like a an athlete and not like the guy who fitted your last kitchen. The poor man's Pirlo! Karagounis rarely gives the ball away but lacks the flamboyant presentation of the Italian master. Fulham fans must be shocked because Karagounis (like many players at this tournament) is a player transformed for his national side. A heartbeat of the squad and a true leader. These qualities were actually what  was lacking at craven cottage and saw them relegated. I am sure he can't possibly keep going but I've been thinking that for the last two tournaments.

World Cup Moral Barometer

No scientific research, just plain bias subjectivity on who should win today's games.

Nigeria VS France

Moral Argument: I really want Nigeria to have a moral argument but its hard to ignore the accusations of extrajudicial killings and use of excessive force by security forces; impunity for abuses by security forces; arbitrary arrests; prolonged retrial detention; judicial corruption and executive influence on the judiciary; rape, torture and other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment of prisoners, detainees and suspects, harsh and life-threatening prison and detention center conditions. Hey wait a minute this sounds like the French Revolution!

In Football Terms: The French have seemed cute but had the muscle to see off the wrestlers of Honduras and Ecuador. Will be great to see if Nigeria can be as clinical on the break as they were against Argentina.Both teams seemed a little too smug when they eased into the last 16 despite losing and drawing their last games. First team to rediscover their momentum will hold the key.

Nigeria 1 France 2

Germany VS Algeria

Moral Argument: The fourth largest economy in the world with a far better standard of living in comparison to China and America due to its social security and universal healthcare. Compared to country that has laws preventing freedom of association and of assembly, a state controlled press, accusations of substandard prisons, torture and extensive corruption. However Algerians are not the descendants of Nazis so clearly they win the moral argument.

In Football Terms: Germany are painfully good in going forward so Algeria will need to be defensively resolute and hit them on the break.

Germany 3 Algeria 0

So let's hope for no late goal drama or maybe I will have to give up the cigarettes and alcohol.