Not Boring or Bad! Just Football!

So we finally have had our first bad day of football, not really bad as it is football, but this was the first day when you felt it could have been better. 

Match of A Sentence: Belgium 2 Algeria 1

Belgium ballerinas look really pretty but make a misstep to give Algeria the advantage and eventually resort to the British dance tradition of the bish bash bosh, with Ferllaini flourishing.

Match of A Sentence: Brazil 0 Mexico 0

No one likes expectant hosts at a party; so when a bunch of boring Brazilians queue up to score a goal or be rewarded a penalty kick and their Mexican guests don't oblige and their girly looking keeper is just plain rude, the locals protest. 

Match of A Sentence: Russia 1 South Korea 1

Dodgy goalkeepers throw the ball in, out, and shake it all about, leaving two third division World Cup teams to score the worse goals of the tournament, however their was a player called Shatov which the commentator pronounced "Shatoff" (sorry but it was a poor game).

Don't Give Up Rupaul's Drag Race........ Thiago Silva

Let's be honest, Brazilians make great drag queens! Neymar, Gustavo Silva, even Danny Alves  could be believed to seen strutting their stuff in stilettos at carnival , but Thiago Silva is the captain of the footballing divas. Cheekbones to die for! A feminine curved chin! Pouts to frighten any opponent! "I don't know if I want him to tackle me or make love to me," will run through any opposing striker's confused mind as Thiago's predatory and steely eyes befall them. Thiago could lead the queer revolution of football and everyone would follow him, especially yesterday's referee, who should of sent him off for producing such a gratuitous tackle.

Man Crush of the Day: Rafael Marquez 

Mexican goalkeeper Guillmero Ochoa may have produced the performance of the tournament so far but that's just one tournament! What about Rafael Marquez! Captain of Mexico at four world cups, Marguez has won the champions league, Spanish and French league titles and cups, and back in day was regarded as one of the greatest defenders in the world. Brilliant positioning and effortless technique are still  present at 35, though he has lost the pace and energy. No longer does he play as the play maker center half who may riffle a shot from long range. The legs are tired and the glory years are gone! However like most young girls I like my men older and wiser. Wearing a face that commands respect with years of experienced etched into his cold eyes. My love has been nurtured from the different ages of Marquez, from the pony tail gallantry, of his Barcelona playing career, to his present poise and courage, to run an offside trap against Brazil inside his own penalty area. Looking at the different eras of the man you can see why for over a decade so many strikers have gone  weak at knees, long before Thiago Silva got his tackle out. 

 World Cup Predictor

So yesterday was the most boring day so far in the World Cup, but it's not that boring because it was still football. Many friends think my decision to watch the world cup is tad obsessive and might be born about of depressive lack of something! Which again got me thinking about football! "As long as it makes you happy?" Is the frequent conclusion of my bemused chums often coupled with an indifferent shrug and again this attitude got me thinking about football. Football does not equal happy! Its bigger than that! Not that the simple equation might have some merit. So today's match predictions are based on the country happiness, using The Propeserty Index of 2013 (collated by Legatum Institute) which is the only global measurement of prosperity based both on income and well being (please visit the website   www.prosperity.com as its well worth a look). 

Croatia (Ranked 53) VS Cameroon (Ranked 115)

Croatians are supposedly twice as happy as Cameroonians! Tell that to your Croat friend and maybe they will cheer the fuck up (that means you George! And don't give me that I'm a Serb crap). 

Croatia 2 Cameroon 0 

Spain (Ranked 23) VS Chile (Ranked 35)

Again in my experience Chileans are far more fun loving than Spaniards! I guess that's cause all Chilians I know live in London and all Spaniards live in London. Spain 2 Chile 1

Netherlands (Ranked 9) VS Australia (Ranked 7)

The relaxed content culture of the Dutch against the aggressively joyous personalities of Oz. Personally I don't believe Australians can be as happy as they claim,they must be faking it! They have too much zealous energy  to be really happy, surely happy is relaxed not being loud and rude. Their boisterous celebrations  must be to hide that lack of not being miserable and English. Netherlands 2 Australia 2.

So I guess a blog post full of  homoerotic jokes about a player's tackle means I am finally scraping the football barrel for things to say. Maybe tomorrow's post can be written completely in football cliches. I just need to keep calm and carry on... Just like Joe Hart

Offset Your Football Footprint!

This World Cup's got me feeling dirty! And not in a good way! Maybe its the allegation of corruption surrounding FIFA, the valid protests for lack money in public sector or my three-day-old boxer shorts, so in today's in blog we are rewarding the good guys.

Match of A Sentence: Germany 4 Portugal 0 
Portugal are such villains they make the Germans seem nice, as Pepe lives up to his reputation, giving the cameras/pundits/crowd what they want by getting needlessly sent off and Muller is again amazing despite looking like a German Ken doll.

Match of A Sentence: Nigeria 0 Iran 0
At the start of the match the pitch was a comforting green and then a bunch of irresponsible men invaded this green and pleasant land and started kicking up the turf and rolling around the floor, with nothing to show for it.

Match of A Sentence: USA 2 Ghana 1
This is why I watch the World Cup: A great group game that will mean nothing to the overall tournament yet has huge significance for brilliant sets of traveling fans, the game built in significance to a mighty last minute climax from two contrasting teams, the Ghana goal was a corker, US celebrations verged on the spiritual and Robbie Savage had to apologize for being wrong live on air. (I am aware this is really three sentences strung together with poor grammar, don't care this is the best game so far)

Don't Give Up... Ghana 
Since 2006 when Ghana narrowly lost to Italy in the opening  match in the group stages they have contained a lovable quality, mainly stemming from Michael Essien's dream- boat eyes. As Essien, Prince Boatange (the greatest name in football) and Fatty Muntari have lost their edge, the fans last night continued to inspire.  Anyone who watched England's friendly against Ghana in 2013 will know that their troubadour of support can take the redundant atmosphere of an international friendly and make the match count. Party on Ghana...

Man Crushes of the Day: German Manager Joachim Low and assistant Hans Dieter Flick
The best (not outed) gay couple in football! They wear matching everything and are the father and mother team that have turned the entire German side into an exciting passing team...and have I mentioned how cute they look. Imagine them winning in the world cup with a kiss and coming out to the world (maybe they should wait till Russia 2018).

The love that dare not speak its name! Everyone's favorite world cup couple

World Cup Predictor 
Brazil has been surrounded by controversy throughout the World Cup and the hope that the tournament would showcase Brazil as a developed and modern democracy has been lost. The price industrialization is high and one of the best examples of that price is the enormously high level of deforestation. Deforestation is as  toxic a word as much as "FIFA" is a filthy acronym and it too seems like a good controversial subject to judge our entirely irrelevant World Cup predictor (especially as some of today's countries are the worst offenders). So let's celebrate the treehuggers and boo the bulldozers.

Belgium ( cutting approx. 2000 hectares in 2013) VS Algeria (who increased forestation)
Belgium might be greener but Algeria are desperate to increase their number of trees, so its heart over head. Belgium 1 Algeria 2

Brazil (3,466,000 hectares cut in 2012) VS Mexico (395,000 hectares cut in 2012)
Mexico may be 4th largest deforestor (technically not a word) in the world but the giants of deforestation are the butchers from Brazil. The Atlantic forest is ts main victim and its destruction has sparked a decade old campaign.
Mexico 6 Brazil 0

Russia (532,200 hectares cut in 2012) VS South Korea (don't know)
Russia are a superpower with a chainsaw while South Korea (who did lose 7,100 hectare a year in the 90s) just get lost amongst all the timbre.
Russia 3 South Korea 0

Most of the data was taken from survey in 2012, from a brilliantly cheap website called www.worldmaps.com/world-top-ten/countries-with-highest-deforestation-map. However there are some great websites on forests (like Mongbay.com) if you want to offset your football footprint...

Feel very clean after pushing my liberal agenda onto the World Cup: loved the Africans, encouraged gay couples to come out with a football and rated today's games through deforestation. Who says I know nothing about football!

Goalcoholics! Its bad for my health!

Can people just stop scoring! This world cup is proving troublesome for the casual viewer! How is a fan expected to clean the bathroom, make dinner, be an attentive boyfriend when people keep scoring? I will try and keep it short but we've already had 37 goals. 

Match of A Sentence: Ecuador 1 Switzerland 2
Lots of talented players you have never heard of because you presumed they were bland, actually excite you, and by the end of the game you can only remember three names: Sharkira, Dmirtive, Wagwan (sadly none of those names were on the pitch and you have been kidding yourself that you know anything about anything).

Match of A Sentence: France 3 Honduras 0
French models with Shoreditch haircuts look so pretty they make Johnathan Pierce question causality, as they handsomely beat overgrown Honduran giants, who can't help but foul because their bodies are naturally violent. 

Match of A Sentence: Argentina 2 Bosnia Herzegovina 1
Greatness comes in glimpses;15 minutes in the second half to be exact, Messi scores an amazing goal and gets Argentina's players and crowd purrin, until they all turn shit again, but for Bosnia everything is a patronizing bonus. 

Don't Give Up Social Commentary or Robot Wars.... Poor Johnathan Pierce
English commentator Johnathan Pierce seemed to be baffled by Goal line technology during France's rout of Honduras. As the replay displayed that the first attempt on goal did not cross the line and then the subsequent melee did lead to a goal, Pierce seemed to think that the first attempt discounted the second (if only football was that complicated?). A fine commentator, Pierce was unconsciously attempting to make a simple game more interesting by changing the rules. Earlier he had  provided some great social commentary by making some fact based snipes and jibes at FIFA and displayed actual contextual support for the protest movement. Go Johnanthan Pierce! The first  goal line technology conspiracy theorist!

Man Crush of the Day: Ottomar Hitzfeld (the name alone commands respect)
Great managers are all about longevity, and no one looks like he has been alive longer than Switzerland's manager, Ottomar Hitzfeld. The man's eyes look like they have died and sunk into his face leaving all expression to his eye brows. Football manager's equivalent to Monk's Scream your scared to look away at this magnificent contortion. Imagine that relic of a face anti-starring at you after losing 1-0 at half time to Ecuador! "Look me in the eye and tell me you have played well," he would ask and you literally couldn't. You would not just fear for your life but the lives of your children and all humankind. Hitzfeld has won it all as a manger, 18 league titles and two European cups with different clubs. And just to prove he is not just a pretty face with a glowing CV, in today's match both of his substitutions changed the game by scoring. Be affraid! Be so affrayed! You spell affred wrong.

World Cup Predictor
In reaction to the more recent claims of corruption against FIFA (football's first criminal enterprise), I have decided to do today's predictions using Transparency International's  The Corruption Perception Index from 2010 (www.transparency.org).  The accumulated data is based on how corrupt a state government are perceived by their public. All counties are marked out of 10: 10 being a society of Gandhis and 1 being a population selected by FIFA. Naturally I am a cynic and I would remind you not to take this data as the truth and ask the paranoid but timeless question "Who watches the Watchmen?"

Portugal (6/10 ) vs Germany (7.5/10)
A close match between two equally talented sides. Germany have the edge, as any team with Christiano Ronaldo is going to make the crowd question authority; as in questioning God's grand design, for making someone who looks so physically repulsive, so good at football. Portugal 1 Germany 2.

Nigeria (2.4/10) vs Iran (2.2/10)
Neither of these teams are getting good international press and I am sure Nigerians and Iranians would come together to question the validity of Corruption Perception Index; accusing the index of being a Western tool of neocolonialism or politely discounting their low score as a "cultural difference." Not surprisingly that both these corrupt countries have great oil reserves and as Nigeria is more open to all Western markets they narrowly beat Iran by one goal. 
Nigeria 1 Iran 2.

USA (7.1/10) vs Ghana (4.1/10)
Now I start to question the validity of the data! I guess the states don't have a large enough state government to be corrupt, however the same comment could be made of Ghana. So I personally think this  data is rigged to Uncle Sam's advantage as they get an undeserved penalty and narrowly beat the honest but unfortunate Ghanaians.  USA 1 Ghana 0.

Luckily corruption does not exist on the football pitch, unless Brazil are playing! And that can wait till tomorrow.



  

We Only Play Well When We Lose

"We only play well when we lose." The classic cliche of England in the knock out stages of an  international football tournament was sadly applicable to our first in game in the group stages. Normally after playing well and therefore losing I get flight of national pride only to be consumed by the pain and regret of missed chances, red cards and penalties, but with the promise of two games to play in the competition our redemption awaits us.We still have time for optimism how often can you say that about an England defeat. 

Match of a Sentence: Columbia 3 Greece 0

A West Ham player who never plays (and has a protruding arse) shocks himself by opening the scoring for Columbia that subsequently leads to a causal and celebratory win as the Greek team concede two more.

Match of a Sentence: Costa Rica 3 Uruguay 1

Group of Death comes alive as Costa Rica ignore the script and Uruguayan player's nipples (Puma really need to stop their tight fitting kits ) to come from behind and destroy a terrible Uruguayan defense with an the an attack spearheaded by a pregnant man with a great name. 

Match of a Sentence: England 1 Italy 2

Ashley Cole's wake as England are so horribly exposed down the left that not even an entire squad of young, pacy, exciting players can cover up the poor positioning, as a 35 year old barely breaks a sweat and dominates the midfield.

Match of a Sentence: Japan 1 Ivory Coast 2

Honda keeps up his world cup reputation by scoring  and then the Ivorian release the Drog and they equalize within two minutes and take the lead in five.

Don't Give Up Being Scary: Neil Lennon is the Undead.

Neil Lennon bulges out of his shirt in the BBC's studio outside Copacabana and swaps jibes with Clarence Seedorf and Gary Linker was good punditry but he looks like he would be more comfortable in an episode of Doctor Who or big budget horror movie. Its not Lennon's hard man image that scares me its his whiter than white skin and blood thirsty teeth. 

Man Crush of the Day: Andrea Pirlo

One of Pirlo's many attributes is that he is an insanely hansom man, everyone forgets to mark him because they want to watch him. When your  football legend you arrogantly do everything at your own pace  and his Rodger Federrer like timing means he is never late you are always too early. Even at my height of heartache last night I could not help but purr over his free kick.

World Cup Predictor

So today's predictions based on the age of consent. Let the most sexually liberated be congratulated and prudes be punished.

Switzerland (age of consent 16) vs Ecuador (age of consent 14)

Swiss are as repressed as English and fall to the South Americans who conform to stereotype as the more sexually free. Switzerland 1 Ecuador 2.

France (age of consent:15) vs Honduras (age of consent: non existent ) 

So the French are not as liberated as you would of thought but Honduras lack of law does mean it is open to some worrying interpretations. France 1 Honduras 3.

Argentina (age of consent: 13-18 ) vs Bosnia Herzegovina (age of consent:14 )

Argentina have more complicated laws than Bosnia Herzegovina who prefer their love to be more simple. Argentina 1 Bosnia Herzegovina 1 (Bosnia win cause Argentina to field an illegible player).

So my hangover has finally gone and I have apologized to anyone who witnessed my zealous support for England, I am sure I will be well rested for Thursday. Its not the first time but it maybe its  the last time we are heartbroken by Pirlo...

Rain On Me....and especially Spain

Wow! Football! I feel as good as Miguel Herrea looks (the Mexican manager photographed above and features in today's man crush). Miguel is experiencing what can only be described as a Goalgasm! Yesterday was amazing! There hasn't been a bad game yet! So come on England! Give us something to be cynical about!

Match of a Sentence: Mexico 1 Cameroon 0

Lots of fancy afros led by an old man with a young person’s goatee get caught in the rain and caught out defensively, despite playing six at the back and Mexico having to score three times to make one count.

Match of a Sentence: Spain 1 Netherlands 5

A Flying Dutchman’s header not only brings Holland into the match but marks a significant sea change (for the game/ the competition/ for an entire generation) as the two Robbins prove there is still life in those old legs by beating Spain for pace, all thanks to a goalkeeper not good enough to play for his club but good enough to get Jose Mourinho sacked.

Match of a Sentence: Chile 3 Australia 1

A team of talented midgets beat the bigger boys from down under but struggle with their vertical disadvantage and seem easily rattled at the back by old man Cahill and his young Leckie (a player destined for Stoke, Hull, QPR).

Don’t Give Up The Pixar Job: Vicente Del Bosca is Mr Potato Head

On a good day Del Bosca looks like an embittered TV detective staring in his own Spanish language version of Columbo (entitled Columbus). However yesterday he was more reminiscent of that old 80s favourite plastic-playschool-plaything Mr Potato head, reinvented here by Pixar. The question has to be asked: can he put his face together after such a defeat.

Man Crush of the Day: Miguel Herrera (Mexico Coach)

Miguel is not the prettiest of subjects, the physical epitome of Michael Cain’s famous line “you’re a big man but your out of shape…” But after watching him get all wet in the rain as he threw himself about on the touchline (and there is a lot of him to throw…may I remind you, the man does have an extra stomach in his chin) I instantly fell in love with the ex-manager of Club America (great name for a Mexican football club). Herrera has a dark alley charm that makes the prospect of him facing Nico Kovac (played by Josef Gordon Levitt) a mouth-watering prospect.

World Cup Predictor

So to give England the advantage, we are basing today’s predictions on the Adult Obesity Prevalence survey, conducted by Public Health England in 2012 (www.noo.org.uk/NOO_about_obesity/adult_obesity/international). Sadly the data only covers selected countries from around the globe.

Columbia (not ranked) vs Greece (17.5%)

Guessing Columbia, being from the developed world and not exporting Feta but coffee (a dietary laxative), are going to be too feeble to muster the strength to win. Greece 2 Columbia 1

Costa Rica (not ranked) vs Uruguay (not ranked)

Neither team are ranked but after some research (5 minutes browsing on the internet) I discovered that Costa Ricans are fat. Costa Ricans 2 Uruguay 1.

England (24.8%) vs Italy (10.5%)

We are going to bury Andre Pirlo under our John Bull belly and eat a Vindaloo in the process. England 5 Italy 0.

Ivory Coast (not ranked) vs Japan (3.5%)

This is a tough match to call due to the insufficient data on Africa. The cliché is Africans are all too thin and impoverished but actually in United States and England poverty has strong links to obesity; so maybe the Ivory Coast can cause an upset. Definitely more fat on fried plantain than Sushi. Ivory Coast 1 Japan 0.  

Ok so here we go… let’s hope for a memorable performance, like against Portugal, Argentina and Germany. Oh wait a second! Oh yes! We only play well when we lose. So let’s play badly and win!

The Uninvited World Cup

So it turns out that no one really likes football in Brazil and the national myth of samba, soccer and sex propagated by the world media should be replaced by the image of the socially conscious protester. Its great thing that the protests are happening but I just hope it does not make me feel guilty for watching all this football. It’s not like buying a Nestle Chocolate Bar in 90s? Or McDonalds? Or a Coca-Cola? Only Pele will forgive me and I don't trust him.

So here my guilt free but politically aware thoughts.

Match of a Sentence: Brazil vs Croatia: 3 - 1

Everyone knows the best parties don’t go to plan; so after Marcelo puts his foot in it, Fred had embarrassed himself by falling over, the guests had been robbed, and everyone had to rely on the kid with an obnoxious haircut and a shit eating grin to provide some class to a broken party, you really can’t be surprised that the local residents got upset and fired rocks at Adrian Chiles.

Don’t Give Up The Movie Job: Niko Kovac is Joseph Gordon Levitt

Great to see movie star, Joseph Gordon Levitt, moonlighting as Croatia’s manager. He must be going method for his next role as a football manager betrayed by sport he was sworn to protect, bringing an air of theatrics with his post-match comments “If that’s a penalty we don’t need to play football anymore.” 

Man crush of the Day: Oscar

Maybe its Calvin Klein bus advert but Oscar seemed to be the only classy Brazilian going forward.

World Cup Predictor

In keeping with theme set by yesterday's economic protests in Brazil, all of today’s matches will be predicted by their countries standing on 2014 Index on Economic Freedom (visit www.heritage.org/index/ranking ). I got to admit I think Economic freedom is a bit of an metaphysical oxymoron but I will leave that for another blog.

Mexico (Ranked 55) VS Cameroon (Ranked 136)

Comfortable 3-0 win for Mexico but luckily we know that in football terms it will actually be a tight game.

Spain (Ranked 49) VS   Netherlands (Ranked 15)

Anyone worried this game will be boring and not live up to the hype (see this graph)

Sure you are now thrilled at the prospect. If you’re having problems reading this graph, Spain lose 2-0. Upset!

Chile (Ranked 7) VS Australia (Ranked 3)

A tight match from two of the superpowers of economic freedom but Australia win 2-1.

More football irrelevance about Brazil 2014 tomorrow or as it should be re branded World Cup for The Uninvited. 

The Shortest World Cup Preview Ever: Group H

So here we are! About to witness a whole month of football but before we get lost in the theatre of international politics acted out on a football pitch let me provide the last word(s) on the final group.

Group G

Algeria are… Etranger

Etranger
noun qui viet d’un utre pays. (ENGLISH TRANSLATION: not good enough for the French team). 

Belgium are… Aspirant

Aspirant

noun a person who aspires, as one who seeks or desires a career, advancement, status, higher wages.: The Belgium aspirants for the world cup for the world cup had a great press release and fitted the media’s narrative agenda.

Russia are… Sleeper

Sleeper

noun 1 a person or thing that sleeps (on social liberties) 2. a heavy horizontal timber for distributing loads (they are a big team) 3. Any long wooden, metal, or stone piece lying horizontally as a sill or footing (don’t think they are going to cope with the heat) 4. Informal. Something or someone that becomes unexpectedly successful or important after a period of being unnoticed, ignored, or considered unpromising or a failure: Russia are a sleeper to reach quarter finals or more likely Russia are sleeper geo-political threat.

South Korea… Charm

Charm

noun 1 a power of pleasing or attracting, as through personality or beauty: Koreans have a charm of manner when they play that is infectious. 2 a trait or feature imparting this power (they always qualify). 3 charms, attractiveness. 4. something worn or carried on one’s person for its supposed magic effects (there must have been some reason how they reached the semi-finals of 2002 world cup).

No that that’s over and I can least say I have improved my vocabulary through football we can stop speculating and start reacting.

Tonight I expect a battle of the bad hairdos with Croatia coming a cropper with Brazil shaving past them by two goals. During the opening ceremony, watch out for ITV commentator and unofficial BNP spokesman, Clive Tyldseley, making snide remarks about FIFA, some embarrassing sexual allusions when an attractive women appears on screen and some unintentional causal racist remarks. Don’t expect him to call the Germans aeonian, describe Italy as opaque or celebrate Argentina’s acuity. Everyone has their niche when the world is football but Clive Tyldseley has actually inspired avant-garde musical theater….

I have not watched the entire thing but its all on Youtube! Please let me know if anyone has watched this all the way through but at the moment I am a bit too busy with all things world cup.