World Cup Come Down

In five minutes it will have been twenty four hours since the last final whistle and at least 41 hours till the start of the next match. The come down did start on Sunday (when we stopped having three matches in succession from the group stages)  but is only now taking effect. I mean I even went to work today and the below feels like a distant memory

Match of A Sentence: Argentina 1 Switzerland 0

The best player on the pitch desperately tries to get his team mates into the game but Shaquiri can't carry the blands into the quarter finals, so eventually Messi sets up an unworthy team into the next round. 

Match of A Sentence: Belgium 2 USA 1

This game could have existed only in extra time and it would include more drama than any other game in the tournament, Belgium actually playing well with a goal from Prince Harry, a striker scoring his point, an American retaliation you felt you could cheer, the most well worked free kick you have never seen, the biggest miss so far and actual shock and awe (in a good non-Rumsfeld way).

Don't Give Up Being A Ghost.... Michael Bradly 

USA's Michael Bradly is the whitest man I have seen at the World Cup. You would think it must be an advantage playing the midfielder in such blazing sunshine cause the reflected light would blind the opposition. As well as physically conveying all attributes associated with being a ghost, he is for Villa fans a metaphorical ghost. Michael Bradly played on loan for Villa from the German league in 2011 and did nothing. A ghost in the worst possible sense of the word; Villa fans were not impressed. Now Villa fans will be even less impressed because after Tim Howard, Michael Bradly was easily the best player on the pitch. His running was tireless, it was like he was haunting the Belgium midfield, appearing everywhere in the second half of extra time, and terrified the defense into conceding a goal. The USA have won a lot of friends and that's because we all love a good ghost story.

Man Crush of The Day: Mark Lawrenson 

Mark Lawrenson has supposedly caused a twitter scrape (not really a fight more a coming together of inane opinions) during his co-commentary of the Switzerland game when he said in response to a weak shot from a Swiss player "he should've put a skirt on." Clearly this was ironic sexism, which does not make it any less sexist,and anyone less upset, but I would much prefer people to complain about the obnoxious tone of Robbie Savage, the lack of vocabulary of Phillip Nevile, and the vacuum of smugness that engulfs Andy Townsend. Lawrenson's comments were just a bit granddad and I actually find his maturity and honesty refreshing. Most modern day co-commentators would berate the Swiss player in such a warped and overly aggressive manner you would think they were to face trail for war crimes in the Hague. Lawrenson actually laughs at football in a very dry manner not succumbing to the 24 hour melodrama in front of him and bringing a genuine (clearly not thought through) personality. Mark Lawrenson does not tow the party-line Premier League propaganda and make vile gaffs off camera; he is not like the rightly disgraced misguided misogynists Richard Keys or Andy Grey. Mark Lawrenson is a man resigned like only a man his age can be and isas British as the rain. He is an ideal co-commentator because a) he actually see's football as entertainment whether it is played badly or played well; and b) he looks like this and should not be allowed to be seen on screen for fear he will scare the kids.

So my hands have stopped shaking, the sweating has decreased and I am no longer hallucinating but I guess I am not quite cold football turkey yet. Got 6 more days before I go clean.

Where Did All The Other Teams Go!

Now after every match a team is being sent home. The cup is getting inevitably shorter and the world smaller. Soon we will be in a World only populated by Brazilians, Dutch, Germans and Argentinians. But before we start speculating we have two more obituaries to write

Match of A Sentence: France 2 Nigeria 0

Young Shoreditch hairdressers get nervous when facing off to less metro-sexual Africans; luckily little Valbreana is too cute (and small), wearing his socks over his knees, seducing the Nigerians into encouraging him to score.

Match of A Sentence: Germany 2 Algeria 0

A team of 80s frat-boy-villains look outdated, almost allowing Algeria to achieve a Mighty Ducks narrative win, only for them to score an early goal in extra time making you lament golden goals.. 

Don't Give Up Having A Funny Face....... Mesut Ozil is Peter Lorre

Messut Ozil does not have the face to be cheered in the stands but sadly jeered and booed! Like the incredibly talented but forever typecast Hollywood villain, Peter Lorre who share his sick puppy face. Its not that Ozil has the arrogance of Ronaldo to upset or anger fans; it's that he seems to be demoted to classy character roles. Such a big star four years ago, very much the leader of a young German side, he has now retreated into a Noirish shadow cast by the Bayern Munich players, Thomas Muller, Mario Gotze and Phillip Lahm. Peter Lorre  may have never been a star except when he was playing child murders and perverts but often his performance was the best on screen. So Ozil might not be the leading man he once hoped to be but he needs to remember that their are many Christopher Marlows, but there is only one Peter Lorre.

Man Crush Of The Day: Peter Odemwingie
Sometimes you have a love you don't understand. The boyfriend your parents told you not to go out with, not because he was a bad boy but because he was generally a really fucked-up mess of a person. Peter Odemwingie is that boyfriend! The kind of man who is always going to cause drama. Peter is famous for driving to a prospective new club, the uber rich Queens Park Rangers, on transfer deadline day only to be told that he needed to go back to his current club, West Brom. This is the same as the weird kid knocking on your door and offering you flowers he has picked from your own garden and swearing his undying love for you; Peter was just a little confused not actually cunning but naive and embarrassing. My attraction to Peter must be based on that odd sincerity and the comfort in knowing that he would be too thick to ever cheat on me and get away with it. Also we forget after such drama off the pitch that Peter can actually play on it and for the first half against France he dominated the midfield and looked like the player most likely to create a chance. So forget the public embarrassment, forget falling out with every manager you have ever had and forget thanking therapist in post-match interviews. Peter is a mad love, one that makes the world a more interesting place.

World Cup Moral Barometer 

Today's judgments using ill informed opinion and invalidated facts from Wikipedia.

Argentina VS Switzerland

Moral Argument: For Sun readers the country that stole the Falklands and gave us Maradonna are second only to the Germans as being sperm of Satan, while they perceive the Swiss as cuckoo clock making simpletons who like pen knifes and bank accounts. When actually Argentina after the economic crash in 2002 have been growing steadily and not seen the poverty gap widen. In contrast Swiss nationals have the right to own fire arms, many homes come with air raid bunkers and they have brought in laws banning minarets, with the public believing "Islam is not compatible with Swiss life." So the country that gave you Maradonna or country that believes the Apocalypse is imminent.

In Football Terms: The Swiss are going to be as defensive as their immigration policy (dam tight)  while Argentina are going to play such an attacking line-up that most of their players will be out of position, except the best player in the world.

Argentina 3 Switzerland 0

Belgium VS USA

Moral Argument: So much has been written about the morality of the United States that it seems pointless add to the argument, and Belgium is a made up country.So ask yourself the simple question - hamburgers or chocolate?

In Football Terms: Lots of talented players appear functional while a lot of functional players appear talented. You decided which is which?

Belgium 1 USA 1 (USA win on penalties and burgers)

Soon I will never mention two of these teams again. I would say we have seen two memorable sides be sent home since entering the knock-out stages:Mexico and Chile. Uruguay and bigger sides may have taken the headlines but plaudits for being a memorable World Cup team who no one wanted see to leave belongs to the Chileans and Mexicans. Maybe Switzerland and USA will prove me wrong...

The World Cup Is Killing Me

It could be the eight cigarettes a day or the twenty four units of alcohol in constant circulation in my blood stream but I like to blame the late goal drama for causing my heart to suffer. 

Match of A Sentence: Mexico 2 Netherlands 1

We have not seen Holland sweat lthis much, as Robin does a lot of falling over which eventually wins the game, while Ochua continues to audition for goalkeeper of the tournament and Mexico are beaten by drinks breaks.


Match of A Sentence: Greece 1 Costa Rica 1

Greek bald patches and beards look  more likely to score but they concede the slowest goal in World Cup history, fortunately Cost Rica feel guilty and get a man sent off, helping Greece nab a goal back until the game is decided in the most exciting and highest quality penalty shoot out in recent memory.

Don't Give Up God.... Georgios Samaras is Jesus Christ

Forgive them Father for the Greeks know not what they do! You sent your son to help them, to perform miracles by turning their turgid defense into free flowing attack. Only for them to leave him out in the Wilderness, tirelessly running with no support to help him. Samaras offered them salvation but instead they worshiped the false idol of Konstantinos Mitroglou. Mitroglou a man who looks like a demonic Arab gentleman from a Victorian novel, part time trickster, illusionist and follower of Satan. 

Konstantinos Mitroglou aka Zoltar The Magnificent

Man Crush of the Day: Georgious Karagounis 

Anyone who as been reading my blog recently will know I am partial to an older man. So after Georgious Karagounis 120 minute performance at the tender age of 37 I was swooning. I love an unassuming appearance, look at that picture and tell me he looks like a an athlete and not like the guy who fitted your last kitchen. The poor man's Pirlo! Karagounis rarely gives the ball away but lacks the flamboyant presentation of the Italian master. Fulham fans must be shocked because Karagounis (like many players at this tournament) is a player transformed for his national side. A heartbeat of the squad and a true leader. These qualities were actually what  was lacking at craven cottage and saw them relegated. I am sure he can't possibly keep going but I've been thinking that for the last two tournaments.

World Cup Moral Barometer

No scientific research, just plain bias subjectivity on who should win today's games.

Nigeria VS France

Moral Argument: I really want Nigeria to have a moral argument but its hard to ignore the accusations of extrajudicial killings and use of excessive force by security forces; impunity for abuses by security forces; arbitrary arrests; prolonged retrial detention; judicial corruption and executive influence on the judiciary; rape, torture and other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment of prisoners, detainees and suspects, harsh and life-threatening prison and detention center conditions. Hey wait a minute this sounds like the French Revolution!

In Football Terms: The French have seemed cute but had the muscle to see off the wrestlers of Honduras and Ecuador. Will be great to see if Nigeria can be as clinical on the break as they were against Argentina.Both teams seemed a little too smug when they eased into the last 16 despite losing and drawing their last games. First team to rediscover their momentum will hold the key.

Nigeria 1 France 2

Germany VS Algeria

Moral Argument: The fourth largest economy in the world with a far better standard of living in comparison to China and America due to its social security and universal healthcare. Compared to country that has laws preventing freedom of association and of assembly, a state controlled press, accusations of substandard prisons, torture and extensive corruption. However Algerians are not the descendants of Nazis so clearly they win the moral argument.

In Football Terms: Germany are painfully good in going forward so Algeria will need to be defensively resolute and hit them on the break.

Germany 3 Algeria 0

So let's hope for no late goal drama or maybe I will have to give up the cigarettes and alcohol. 

More Cagey Than a Prison Visit To A Zoo

What a goal! We all saw it right? James Rodriguez wonder volley on the turn with his back to goal! Don't care how many villainous Uruguayans you have on the pitch your not stopping that goal. And then after greatest individual goal of the tournament we had the best team goal, again scored from James Rodriguez. He is so good, ITV commentator and UKIP spokesman, Clive Tyldesly, continued to mispronounce his name in the hope that he becomes English.

Match of A Sentence: Brazil 1 Chile 1

Howard Webb does not fall for the Brazilian charms and the marvelous midgets of Chile are a cross bar away from the quarter finals, only for the worst penalty shoot out in living memory to decide that the host's party must go on.

Match of A Sentence: Columbia 2 Uruguay 0

The name's Rodriguez, James Rodriguez, you pronounce it Yamus not James, Clive,Yamus, yes I know its not very marketable, but you're going to have to get use to it Clive, because I am here to stay.

Don't Give Up The French Connection.... Phil Scolari is Gene Hackman

Brazil's manager, Big Phil Scolari, is scary enough! He does not need to channel the spirit of Popeye Doyle to intimidate the opposition. Play paranoid in media interviews like he did as Harry Caul in The Conversation. Nor does he need to relive his performance as American Football coach Jimmy McGinty (from the underrated sports gem The Replacements)  when attempting to motivate his team before a penalty shootout. Big Phil needs none of the cheap theatrics he picked up in Hollywood but it does make him more entertaining.

Man Crush of the Day: Alexis Sanchez

Maybe its the way he wears his short shorts, showing off his legs while sporting a wedgie. Or maybe its the slick quiff, boyish looks and  smooth Latin skin. Alexis Sanchez has been "working it" this tournament, "working it," in the working girl sense.So graceful in possession of the ball and yet not selfish in his distribution to his team.He can give and take in equal measure. Appearing like the perfect prospective purchase for any Premier League club. Alexis has been touting his worth like a high class hooker. Barcelona don't want him and thanks to the World Cup his price has considerably risen, along with his shorts.

He likes Short Shorts

World Cup Moral Barometer

An attempt to politicize World Cup in the hope it can be our moral compass for the future and I get to slag off countries I don't like.

Mexico VS Netherlands

The Moral Argument:  Even if you disregarded Mexico's unsuccessful war on drugs (that has left 60,000 dead and 20, 000 missing) it still has a poor international reputation. For example in gender equality it ranked 89th by World Economic Forum in 2011. Mexicans are not just behind on gender politics, they got poor diversity record as well, with the indigenous inhabitants (9% of population) who mainly live in the poor south ,being treated like second class citizens, not having the access to adequate housing, health care and education like they do in the rich north. The Dutch win this argument by having a functional democracy, being less than a quarter the size of Mexico and having far more relaxed drug laws.

In Football Terms: Both teams have been defensive and have got a lot of goals on the break, so expect the game to be cagey with neither team wanting to attack.

Netherlands 2 Mexico 0

Costa Rica VS Greece

The Moral Argument: Costa Rica is like heaven! One of the most stable and prosperous countries in Latin America, it's been a democracy since the 1950s and constitutionally got rid of its standing army  in 1949. Costa Rica's environmental policies are amazing for a so called developing country, ranked fifth in the world, and first in the Americas, in terms of the 2012 Environment Performance index. In 2007 the Costa Rican government announced plans for Costa Rica to be the first Carbon neutral country by 2021. The New Economics Foundation ranked Costa Rica first in its 2009 Happy index and once again in 2012. As for Greece... they like to kill their fathers, have sex with there mothers  and rip out their own eyes.

In Football Terms: Costa Rica's flexible pressing has made them the shock of the tournament, turning a dogged attack into the best form of defense, in comparison to the classically cynical Greeks who like to park the bus. 

Costa Rica 3 Greece 0

So expect the two matches to have an atmosphere more cagey than a prison visit to a zoo,  If you get downhearted by all defending, just watch this...

Love the camera work..

Can The World Cup be A Morality Play

Men biting each other, the kissing of money to play a sport you once loved, the threat of players going on strike, riots on the streets against the competition, second verses of national anthems proudly sung a capella because organizers will only allow music to play for the regulated 90 seconds.The World Cup without the football makes you despair for modern day morality. 

But don't you worry! Because I have formed the World Cup Moral barometer: a way of measuring the morality of the final sixteen teams, so we know who is the real victor. 

World Cup Predictor Presents: The World Cup Moral Barometer

Brazil Vs Chile

Moral Argument: Brazil, the most notoriously corrupt country in South America who has reached international controversy over pacification, deforestation and rise in the cost of living in contrast to Chile, the most stable and prosperous nations in the world. It leads Latin American nations in rankings of human development, income per capita, state of peace, economic freedom and a low perception of corruption. 

In Football Terms: The fun loving team from South America that can only play exciting, passing, attacking football as a form of deference, against Brazil. How the mighty have fallen!

Barometer Reading: Chile 2 Brazil 0

Uruguay Vs Columbia

Moral Argument: Forget all you have read about Luis Suarez and Uruguayans support of him because Uruguay has one of the most moral leaders  in the world, in the form of Jose Mujica. Nicknamed the poor man's president, he has legalized abortion, same sex marriage, cannabis and leaves in the most modest surroundings. Don't believe me! How about the BBC

Since Mandela and Tony Benn passed away a huge amount of the media claimed we had lost a generation of moral political leaders born out of World War Two, that is complete cynical bullshit, Jose Mujica is a real revolutionary who became a political hero without being matryed. As for Colombia,  they did rank 6th on Happy Planet Index in 2009 but I don't know the name of their leader.

In Football Terms: Remember all you  have read about Luis Suarez because their is going to be a Luis Suarez gap up front. Columbia have been the neutrals favorites along with Chile, so expect Uruguayans dirtier players (epitomized by villainous Captain Diego Godin) to be caught out by the excellent James Robrigueriz.

Barometer Reading: Uruguay 2 Columbia 2 (Columbia go through on penalties). 

So can the under achievers of South American football, Chile and Columbia, finally beat the historically prestigious teams of Uruguay and Brazil. Its so far been the up-setter's World Cup, so lets hope we get moral victories we deserve.  

World Cup Neck Ache

When you reach the final group games you really need two heads to avoid the neck ache. Yesterday in the pub I was caught between two screens while watching the conclusion to Group G. Just like the USA team, I was constantly looking over my shoulder to see what was happening in the other match. Unlike the USA team I wanted Ghana to cover themselves into glories of the past, but instead their performance was shrouded in the corruptions of the present with a pay dispute and bad behavior sending some of the team home even earlier.Forget two heads, you need three, four, a hydra-like mind to keep up with all the stories that surround this World Cup. Lucky I am here to make it simple.

Match of A Sentence: Portugal 2 Ghana 1

The Walton's John Boye kisses some money before scoring an own goal, only for Ghana to come back into game with good goal; but its highest paid player in the world that cashes in before Ghana and Portugal crash out.

Match of A Sentence: USA 0 Germany 1

Jurgen Klinsmann's team are so efficient you could call them German (actually 8 of them are) but they are not as German as Thomas Muller, the Bavarian Ken doll who scores again and everyone has to admit he is damm good, despite wanting to break his legs. 

Match of A Sentence: Algeria 1 Russia 1

Soul stirring stuff as Algeria (the World Cup's resident whipping boys) celebrate as they go through to the last 16 for the first time despite Russia coming out and not only playing but actually being genuinely exciting to watch as they score the first goal, but allow brave Algeria (see Faghouli's bleeding head) to fight back for a draw with the help of a laser beam pointed directly in the Russian keeper's face.

Match of A Sentence: Belgium 1 South Korea 0

Belgium continue to piss off the football hipster by grinding out victories and winning in the most assuming clinical manner, even with ten men.

Don't Give Up My Man Crushes... Best Team Out of the Competition

Amalgamating my two daily sections I have brought the best players in the tournament who are now out of the tournament. Playing the formation 4 4 2 (despite this formation being absent in most World Cup teams) so all positions on the pitch are fairly represented. 

Goalkeeper: A.Haghighi (Iran)

Defenders: Asamoah (Ghana),  J Guagua (Ecuador), Bonucci (Italy), Chiellini (Italy),

Midfield: Gervinho (Ivory Coast), Rakitic (Croatia), Tim Cahill (Australia), an Injured Ronaldo (Portugal)

Forwards: A Gyan (Ghana), E. Valencia (Ecuador)

So today is the first day without football as we begin the gradual come down from football saturation, sadly for me its like the world is getting smaller not bigger.

 

World Cup Spins Into The Last Sixteen

So the last sixteen looms and we have had some shock exits: England, Italy, Spain, Bosnia Herzegovina, Croatia, Ivory Coast or Japan would all of been fancied to progress.The group stages have been an awesome spectacle but you have to enough hope that good teams do reach the knock out stages because Costa Rica VS Greece does not wet the appetite. Everyone loves an upset but you still want great football....

Match of A Sentence: Nigeria 2 Argentina 3
Goal love-in, a man with a small child's face shocks himself twice by scoring two great goals only for Messi to seduce the keeper first by smashing in a rebound off the keeper's head and then, with a free kick, leaving the keeper dreaming of a third; someone did score at the end but no one cared because technically everyone had won.

Match of A Sentence: Bosnia Herzegovina 2 Iran 0
I would love to praise the brilliance of Pranjic, the dominance of Dzeko, and the entire Bosinia Herzegovina team's willingness to attack but they went out of the competition four days ago.

Match of A Sentence: Switzerland 3 Iran 0
Colombian popstar Shakira scores a hat trick for Switzerland, first by cutting inside to blast off a shot from the edge of the area, which hits the top corner, then Shakira does a fat man run at the goal keeper before punching the ball into the net and finally, for Shakira's encore, she runs into the area and a toe-poke past the keeper while "singing why are my breasts so small and humble."

Match of A Sentence: France 0 Ecuador 0
In the 81st minute, down to ten men, the Ecuadorian forward, Micahel Arroyo ,spun the French defender to cut into the area and thrash a shot wide of the goalkeeper,subsequently falling to his knees and punching the ground beneath him, only to look up and see his number called to leave the pitch.

Don't Give Up the Hipster Hairdressing Job..... France are Geekpie

The French team have an amazing array of hairstyles and none of them look good, but most of them would not lookout of place on a Saturday night in East London. Giroud, Griezmann, Koscielney all sport sharp cuts on the back and sides with a trendy Hitler youth mop on top while Pogba, Sagna and Sakho all look like members of a early 90s hip hop troupe. If Karim Benzema came onto the pitch sporting a Geek Pie (the satirical Shoreditch haircut from the popular TV show, Nathan Barely) no manager, commentator or fan would think differently. 

Man Crush of The Day: Ezequiel Lavezzi

I've got to be honest if I was the manager of Argentina I would drop the best player in the

world and play Ezequiel Lavezzi. Messie may have four goals but he forces Di Maria, Aguerro and Higuain out of their favored positions because he has such a free role to wander. The other reason is Lionel Messi may be an artist but Lavezzi is a work of art. Look at the conflicting tapestry of Catholic imagery and homoerotic fetishism that decorates his torso, celebrating Jesus Christ (right peck), Maradonna (just above right hip) and guns (just above the left hip). Don't just disregard these tattoos as superficial  vanity - they carry sigil power of Argentina's footballing identity and could bring their third World Cup glory.


World Cup Predictor 

Today my beloved Ghana are in a pay dispute with their footballing federation and after Cameroon's win bonus scandal and Karem Benzema's new hair cut you do have to fear for football's financial sanity. So shoehorning the issue of financial inequality, lets base our World Cup predictor on Biggest Gender gap by earnings, rewarding the more feminist of footballing nations. All the data is taken from, www.bloomberg.com/visual-data/best-and-worst

Germany (Ranked 7: 22.3%)  VS USA (Ranked 6: 23.0% gap)
Jesus this is close. It feels unjust to reward Germany a victory, trough 0.7% less sexist so let's call it a draw.
Germany 1 USA 1

Portugal (Ranked 28: 12.8%) VS Ghana (Not Ranked)
Everyone works in Ghana, whether they get paid is another thing entirely. Think Portugal edge this competition.
Ghana 1 Portugal 2

South Korea (Ranked 1: 37.9% gap) VS Belgium (Ranked 29: 10.2%)
Who knew that South Korea are such misogynist, but i would have guessed that a made up country like Belgium would score high on equality.

Russia VS Algeria
Neither of these teams feature on the poll so either they are Utopian liberal hubs of the world or two of the most sexually oppressive states with such high unemployment it would be embarrassing to publish the disparity.
Russia 0 Algeria 0

The biggest annoyance around today's games is you will have to decide between Germany VS USA or Ghana VS Portugal (both mouthwatering ties). Its abut time television figured out a way to simultaneous broadcast coinciding matches so the viewer does not feel cheated. The two matches are not to be viewed as separate entities but different cells to great football whole....