Double Vision Should be Double The Fun

Simultaneous football matches are for Radio not TV! The plan was to set up another television! Then my husband reminded me you can watch the other match on your phone, lap top, tablet, cloud! But  we had both forgotten I am techno-tard (not phobic just retarded), and don't have the patience to work an alarm clock,let alone an ITV website that claims that I have insufficient bandwidth. When did the internet become such a bitch? Luckily we do have a thing called football highlights, so like all the great granddads I waited and watched Spain Australia and Brazil Cameroon after the fact...

Match of A Sentence: Chile 0 Netherlands 2

The South American Mighty Midget's get manhandled on the pitch and tactically out thought off it, as Robin proves he can be irritatingly good whatever the team, regardless if they have Norwich, Swansea or Villa players.

Match of A Sentence: Spain 3 Australia 0

A team of Spanish ghosts scare some young Australians with a ancient form of football called "Tiki-taka," as the third goal goes in  the Ozzies think they might have watched the future of football until they see David Villa crying. 

Match of A Sentence: Brazil 4 Cameroon 1

Goals look good, Neymar is growing into his haircut, and then the linesman gives Fred a goal out of charity, making you doubt your eyes: maybe this entire World Cup is a prerecorded Brazilian victory.Can I get a Charleston Heston NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?

Match of A Sentence: Mexico 3 Croatia 1

Mexican manger Miguel Herrerra (a foreign descendant of Toad of Toad Hall from Wind and the Willows) tactically beats Nico Kovac (played by Joseph Gordan Levitt), setting up a strong defensive formation and a great counter attack, but he will be more remembered for this....

Don't Give Up Being An Anime Goalkeeper... Guillermo Ochoa

I have given a lot of love to Mexico this year, Miguel Herrerra and Rafael Marquez have both featured as man crushes, but the player to  have received most of the media plaudits has been Guillermo Ochoa. The goalkeeping display against Brazil had the world media in raptures, though I think Tim Howard against Portugal and Sergio Romero against Iran produced better saves. A quality Ochoa has over these two bruisers is he has a very youthful and asexual appearance. A face with a pictorially symmetrical quality, that is too pretty to be described as cartoon and more like a Japanese animation. Ochoa has really good brand potential with easily identifiable visual signifies, crazy hair, headband, pretty face; you could see his image decorating kid's cereal boxes around the globe and is that not what all footballers dream of.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Man Crush of The Day: Nigel Dejong

You may have picked up I am not the biggest fan of the Dutch at this tournament!No doubt Arjen Robben has been the best player so far but besides appreciating his speed, calmness under pressure, and that god awful smile when he scores, I have no real love for him. The Dutch play like a well organised, mid level, Premier League side with two world class attackers to hit all the slower teams on the break. Maybe the Dutch manger Louis Van Gaal has been Man Ued (a term for when a person becomes associated with Manchester United and therefore becomes unlikable) with his new job looming at Old Trafford. Except for the two Robins the Netherlands looked ordinary however Nigel Dejong could prove me wrong.  So far the player known as "the pitbull"  to his friends has been outstanding in all three games. Dominating the talented Chilean and Spanish midfield by doing the dirty defensive work. Nigel also has the redemptive story arc, that after disgracing himself in the last World Cup final, for kicking a Spanish player across the chest  (the defining image from that game see below), he now has a chance to reach another final. No doubt if Nigel reaches the World Cup final do expect some broadsheet revisionism of his attributes as a player, but don't believe them, he is great and that's because deep down he is dirty and that's how I like it.

World Cup Predictor

In tribute to my techno retardation  I have based today's world cup predictor on the countries that watch the most media from an article in The Atlantic ( go to www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/05/ for some awesome charts).The chart below displays all the different devices we watch news, soaps and chat shows. Personally find it fascinating that Thailand and Indonesia watch more media on their phone than on any other device, no wonder they can't concentrate out on the football pitch. Let's reward the goggle boxers...

England  (411 minutes, minus Scotland, Wales, Ireland) VS Cost Rica (not ranked)
No contest! If the World Cup was HBO box set England would of watched it faster than the series running time. 
England 3 Costa Rica 0

Italy (317 minutes) VS Uruguay (not ranked)
Hate to think what awful things Italians watch! But unlike the Uruguayans they need to be distracted away from their political government.
Italy 3 Uruguay 0 

Ivory Coast (not ranked) VS Greece (not ranked)
I don't want to arrogantly presume that Ivorians watch less than the Greeks, as their far richer West African neighbors, Nigeria, watch 193 minutes on their smart phone.
Ivory Coast 1 Greece 1

Columbia (437 minutes) VS Japan (343 minutes)
Pretty shocked Columbia are such big TV watchers, I presumed they would be too busy being brilliant at football but they edge it over Japanese.
Columbia 2 Japan 1

However you watch the World Cup! Enjoy it! And watch Italy Uruguay which promises to be a corker. I think on the other channel is showing the group winners against some small country who have nothing to play for and are just happy to make up the numbers.

No Sleep Till Knock Out!

Over the last ten days I have been regularly going to bed at 2PM due to the daily late night kick offs. Thanks to an incredible number of come backs, its not been a struggle to stay awake.  " No Sleep Till Knock Out!" has been my mantra and with the exception of Japan VS Greece all the late night kick offs have been great. However last night we said goodbye to the 11PM kick off, concluding with a classic, Portugal VS USA. My girlfriend will be pleased that I will no longer be screaming with joy in the midnight hour, but I have to confess I will miss all the men who have excited me, long past my bedtime.......

Match of A Sentence: Belgium 1 Russia 0
Sadly Russian/ EX England Manager , Fabio Capello, can only speak one language, defensive, conservative, football and that dialect is not recognized in Brazil, luckily 30 seconds from Eden Hazard put Fabio in his place.

Match of A Sentence: Algeria 4 South Korea 2
The longest standing whipping boys in World Cup history have their overdue revenge at the cost of South Korea, who are patronized out of the competition despite being fairly pleasing on the eye and technically still can qualify (they won't).

Match of A Sentence: Portugal 2 USA 2
The slippery greasers of Portugal flirt with World Cup death, after the Lizard king, Nani, gives them the lead, only for the hard working USA (led by a man who looks like a battered lesbian, Go Clint Dempsy!) to come back to take the lead and make it 2-1, subsquently waking up the uninterested Ronaldo,who stops dancing with the ball, like he is Michael Jackson reborn as a footballer, and crosses for the equalizer deep into injury time, in short, thought not possible, the game was awesome! (well aware that is not a sentence, it was too good to be comprehensible!).

Don't Give Up The Royal Family...Kevin DeBruyen is Prince Harry

I am not a big fan of the Royal Family! Raised a republican, I would rather the entire Royal Family were all  beheaded, so we do not have to waste our taxes on them. Maybe group decapitation is too strong a cut! But when people bang on about the poor sponging off the state and yet celebrate a royal baby's birth, their hypocrisy brings bile to the back of my throat.So when I realized that Prince Harry had abdicated his royal responsibilities, taken up Belgium citizenship, decided to become a professional footballer and changed his name to Kevin DeBruyen, I was glad. Well done Harry for making something of himself; a tidy footballer, with a surprisingly good work rate and subtle touch you don't associate with the aristocracy; his performance against Algeria was exemplary. It's just a shame he could not play for the country of his family heritage: Germany. 

Man Crush of The Day: Sofiane Feghouli
The Algerian midfielder has a sensational touch, rarely dibbling or passing on the floor he seems to juggle between chips and flicks, passing often to himself, (forever the egotist). Very few men are as good with their feet a Feghouli but his flattering ball control lacks the stats. Only one assist and no goals despite Algeria scoring five in two games. All arrogant but no modest product, means my crush might be style over substance, but what style! He can flatter me to all manner of deception. The question must be asked, "Have I fallen for the fantastic Feghouli or a footballing fugazi."

World up Predictor
As the World Cup's longest nights are now over, I want to reward the teams that get the least daylight to practice the game. Clearly this would have been an advantage back in the dark ages but not in the modern, floodlight era, but I am running out of random ways to predict matches.

Brazil VS Cameroon 
Cameroon who are too close to the equator to compete with Brazil's nightlife.
Brazil 3 Cameroon 0

Mexico VS Croatia
Mexico is one of the sunniest places in the world so I am sure they don't even want to compete  with the dark winters of Croatia.
Croatia 2 Mexico 1

Netherlands VS Chile 
Netherlands make the most out of their limited sunshine in comparison to a spoilt Chile. 
Netherlands 2 Chile 0

Spain  VS Australia 
One of the sunniest countries in Europe has far longer nights than one of the sunniest countries in the  Southern Hemisphere. Another reason to hate Australians.
Spain 3 Australia 2

Sorry for my lack of stats but the internet is playing up in my flat, and I must get the final day's sunshine before the football eclipses the sun, to shorten my day into a night of goals, goals, goals.

The Day Ghana Restored World Cup love into English Hearts

Sometimes a second half  can be so intoxicating from start to finish that you are left spinning and confused by the experience. The second half between Ghana and Germany was such a half! Spiritual in its intensity, its rare that at the end of a game all the players collapse with exhaustion and you empathize with all 22 players. That moment the final whistle blew and every player crashed to their knees, they could regain consciousness and realize they had taken part in a moment of grace. Oh and there were two other great games...

Match of A Sentence: Argentina 1 Iran 0

Imagine sweating blood, legs dead, breathing beyond exhaustion, reliving a missed headed chance, being robbed of a penalty,  and defending for 92 minutes against the best attacking team in the world only for Messie to score an exceptional goal with the last kick.

Match of A Sentence: Germany 2 Germany 2

One of the best second halves in World Cup history;words cannot do this game justice, only screaming, shouting, jumping and the occasional dance. 

Match of A Sentence: Nigeria 1 Bosnia Herzegovina

Forget passing the ball around and having a great technique; Nigeria just bully a goal, bully a victory and bully all the critics who had written them off. 

Don't Give Up being Omega Theta, Pi.. The German Team are 80s frat-boy villains.

I really like the German side, they play great passing football and I don't want to reinforce negative stereotypes of the ancestors of the Nazis but they have creepy similarity to Animal House frat boy villains, Omega Theta, Pi. The camaraderie amongst Muller, Ozil, Gotze and Shweinsteiger when discussing a free kick was so visible it was frightening. The shared slick north European appearance (with the exception of Ozil, who is the immigrant kid who got a colleague scholarship) makes them look scarily self assured. The fact they did not lose their heads when the entire crowd was against them was applaudable and detestable at the same time. It feels predictable and tragic that this team with so much talent and poise are to be cast as the enemy to Brazil or Argentina winning the World Cup. If only they appeared less clearly suited to winning they might win some hearts.  

Man Crush of the Day: Kwadwo Asamoah

It would be easy to praise the fearless running and positive football of Assamoah Gyan, Andrew Ayew and Christina Atsu, but the unsung hero of this Ghana team and the Ghanaian team that reached the quarter finals four years ago is Kwadwo Asamoah. Kwadwo's great positional sense and accurate passing are not the playing attributes associated with African football but they are so good he has been playing for Juventus's champion winning midfield with Pirlo, Pogba and Vidal.  He does not conform to the racist stereotypes that commentators unintentionally use around African teams. If anything commentators have criticized him for lacking pace like any commentator would level that accusation at an Italian midfielder. When a player is this underrated you start to form an ownership over him. No one knows why I love Asamoah but when everyone does open their eyes to how beautiful a player he is they will be forever jealous of not realizing sooner.

World Cup Predictor

There has been a lot of love on the field during this world cup. Its very possible that this love has come from so many teams' desire to attack. Its a lot easier to congratulate a player at the end of the game or give him a helping hug to his feet if you have not been kicking the shit out him. My favorite hug of the tournament so far has been between Spain's Andre Iniesta and Chile's goal scorer Charles Araguiz, despite Spain being two nill down and about to face early elimination. Sadly I could not find a poll for the biggest huggers in the world but I do have my own experiences.


Belgium (Ranked 6 ) VS Russia (Ranked 4)
I have never hugged a Belgium but Russians are always been fairly stiff and mannered in their sharing of bodily warmth; however any hug is better than no hug.
Belgium 0 Russia 1

South Korea (Ranked 3 ) VS  Algeria (Ranked 5 )
South Koreans know how to do a polite hug - the arms are always just high below the shoulders but never intruding around the stomach in contrast to the one angry Algerian I met who may have benefited from a hug but was not forthcoming.
South Korea 3 Algeria 0


Portugal (Ranked 2 ) VS USA (Ranked 1)
Both are great casual huggers and will happily hug a stranger after a short conversation.The Americans edge it because they also like giving you a good pat on the back in the process. 

Let's just hope the hugging continues...

England's World Cup Life Support Is Turned Off!

So any glimmers of cruel hopes are gone... Costa Rica have put the pillow over our collective head and watched us gently suffocate in the most humane of World Cup exits. The inquest had already begun, however by 7PM yesterday  journalists were being forced to rewrite their conclusion as the team with just one player from the top European leagues had qualified for the last 16. In any other context the British press would be full of patronizing praise for Jorge Luis Pinto's side, but they were too busy being shell-shocked at what had happened. So here is how it happened....

Match of A Sentence: Costa Rica 1 Italy 0
Italy sweat in the heat as their formation changes invites the doggiest of underdogs to bully Italy's Mr Cool into long passes, Ballotie into missing a sitter and England into worrying about EURO 2016.

Match of A Sentence: France 5 Switzerland 2
Le Coiffures continue to impress with five choice cuts as 'the blands' lose the game within two minutes but have to be continually embarrassed by their better looking neighbors for another 72. 

Match of A Sentence: Ecuador 2 Honduras 1
A team of Honduran wrestlers  close line into the lead thanks to (star player and plastic straw chomper) Carlo Costly (amazing name) only for Ecuador's Olympic sprinting team to come back thanks to  two goals form the slightest player on the pitch, Enner Valencia, who is the David to a team of Goliaths.

 Don't Give Up the WWWF...... Carlos Costly, Victor Bernandes, and any Honduran 

The WWWF (The World Wide Wrestling Federation) were re-branded in the late 90s after reports of a few incidents in central America of a group of confused, amateur wrestlers who had been discovered body slamming some pandas (despite them not being indigenous to Central America) . Due to the age of these perpetrators their identity remained a secret and they were enrolled on a government football rehabilitation scheme.  I can now reveal that two of these men were Carlos Costly and Victor Bernandes of the Honduran national football team. Carlos Costly's original name was Samuel Benitez, however he changed his name when turning 18 to his preferred wrestler identity, The Money Man: Carlos Costly. Carlos has been glob trotting under the guise of a professional footballer for last eight years across 10 different countries as a front for his international career as an underground wrestler. On the football pitch he still chomps on a plastic straw mid-match in tribute to his wrestling persona, he calls this "the last straw."  Meanwhile Victor Bernandes has simply incorporated his love for wrestling into his position as Honduras's first choice center back. Victor has great swagger and has been known to Choke Grip, Back Break or Power Bomb opponents off the ball, however his long distance free kick shots with theatrical dance run up has really lit up the World Cup. As both players deal with their wrestling problem they have been protected by the tutelage of Luis Suarz, the Honduran manager who has been know to run to the touchline with a steel chair in support of his players. 

Man Crush of The Day: Christian Bolanas

Players like Cost Rica's winger Christian Bolanas are reason alone to watch the World Cup, just like Carlos Costly and Enner Valencia this midfielder is not big name player who has made name for himself. England players take note, this is how to be dogged winger, pushing up into the Italians faces. As he grew into the game his sweat ganerred him a greasy quality making him slippery in attack. If there is any justice (and to be honest this is a shit reward) he will be signed up by Stoke, Southampton or any mid-level premier league team. Plus he looks like he should be playing at Wimbledon on Monday.

World Cup Predictor 
Clearly yesterday was owned by Cost Rica and our patronsiing media reminindg that the coutry has a population of 4,586,353 in comparison to England's 53,012,456. So in the name of patronizing any football team with the smallest population,lets reward the limited human resources against the many. 

Argentina (41,660,417) VS Iran (77,176,930) 
Never new Iran had so many people and sudquently Argentina are favourites even if they are the less patronized.
Argentina 3 Iran 1

Ghana (24,200,000) VS Germany (80,219, 695)
Who actually dislikes Ghana? The fans will get their reward against the most fancied European team.
Ghana 3 Germany 1

Nigeria (174,507,539) VS Bosnia Herzegovina (3,871,643) 
Bosnia are the best patronized team at this tournament, its hard not to love them as they sink Nigeria's world cup hopes
Bosnia 5 Nigeria 0

So England maybe out but I got a date with my two other favorite teams, Bosnia Herzegovina and Ghana. Oddly during the Uruguay England match Italian television sent out the below subliminal message mid match (true story)

.No wonder we were doomed, the collective consciousness of Italian psychics were against was against us....

Living on World Cup Life Support

England are out! Except if Italy beat Costa Ricca and we beat them by two or more goals, and Uruguay don't beat Italy. Basically we are out. Maybe a metaphor will help me explain things more clearly......... All of England is currently dead but it is being given emergency CPR by eleven attractive Italian Doctors. If we are resuscitated as a nation at 7 PM today then we will still be in a giant coma living off the life support provided by our Italian carers. Fuck the metaphor! Basically we are shit! The World Cup often kills off England in the knock out stages, so this slow death in the group stages does have a novelty masochism. As previous readers will know I am a big Pirlo fan and I just hope that between sips of wine (he owns vineyards in Italy) he casually destroys Costa Ricca and gives England the cruelest of hopes. As for the oher matches yesterday, who cares!

Match of A Sentence: Columbia 2 Ivory Coast 1

James Rodriguez shines under pressure by scoring a header (the opposite of Rooney) and Gervinho proves if he can stay on his feet, he can  actually score (if only we had), not that the Colombians care as they are too busy rehearsing synchronized goal celebrations (England fans look on in envy).

Match of A Sentence: England 1 Uruguay 2

Godin should have been sent off for a second yellow earlier in the game; that's my scapegoat and I am sticking to it. 

Match of A Sentence: Japan 0 Greece 0

This game did not have a Gerrard hole in front of the defense, playing awful long balls to no one, or poor man marking by Phil Jagelika and Glen Johnson; it did not even have an appalling referee, it lacked a dodgy English keeper, like most games it would have benefited from a more pragmatic midfield play maker rather than three pacey forwards, and it totally did not have a pantomime villain ,who had spent the last two weeks in a wheelchair, just to fool England that he is not the best striker in the world. (Sorry but Japan vs Greece was shit!).

Don't Give Up being The Prince of Darkness.... Luis Suarez

Luis please give up football! You have already bitten off more than you can chew! First your unfortunate face screams vampire with the fangs removed at birth. The sucking the blood of a young nubile virgin is clearly your natural calling rather than breaking English hearts. Secondly, four years ago when you denied Ghana a goal and their place in World Cup semi final, through the  "Hand of Satan," you only upset one country and maybe an entire continent, when you should have been planning world domination as Dracula's natural heir.  Thirdly your broken English is just unintentionally rude and occasionally racist but never actually insulting, you often blink during the difficult words with adorable poor pronunciation. If you only spoke in your native and creepy Aramaic you would fulfill your menacing potential for evil.  Luis Suarez you are a great footballer but that should not stop you turning into a bat and fucking off to Real Madrid.

Man Crush of the Day...... Roy Hodgson

Something for the older generation! I don't know how Roy has done it but no one is blaming him for the results.  Rooney, Gerrard, the  entire defense, have all received criticism this campaign and yet Roy seems bullet proof. Maybe its simply due to him being a lovely man. You would never want to be cuddled by Harry Redknapp, San Allardyce, Tony Pulis, or any potential English manager, in comparison to Roy, who has a granddad air of comfort. As well as being physically adorable in a novelty toy statue sense, he appears to be a sensitive and listening type. All the journalists in the build up to the World Cup were worried that Roy was going to be too conservative (the older generation generally are) but he proved he was down with the kids by selecting them and making them play the type of attacking football you see in a school playground. Sadly England were not in a school playground and all of sudden I feel I have woken up in bed with a man half my age who offered me sweets. Roy has proven an old dog can learn new tricks but did that help England?

World Cup Predictor 

As everything in this post is based around England's loss, lets predict these results based on how many times today's teams have beaten England at football. All data was taken from www.11v11.com.

Italy (beaten England 11 times) VS Costa Ricca (never played England)

Lack of competition with Costa Ricca means they are unknown pleasure or pain. Italy are a assured pain, beating us 11 times in comparison to our 8 wins.

 Italy 3 Costa Ricca 0.

France (beaten England 8 times) VS Switzerland (have beaten England 3 times)

England have the edge over both teams, beating them both 16 times. Hurrah.

France 3 Switzerland 0

Ecuador (have beaten England 0 times) VS Honduras (have beaten England 0 times)

We have beaten Ecuador twice and drawn once, and drew with Hondurans in that recent leg breaking contest in Miami

Ecuador 0 Honduras 0

Who would of thought a world cup predictor based on how many times  the sides have beaten England would have made you feel so good on such a shitty day.... Come On Italy,give us that touch of class that is foreign to English football.

Pirlo is such a heat breaker.

The Day of Reckoning (Part 1)

If we lose today, we are out, except if Italy beat Costa Rica and then we beat them, or if Costa Rica beat Italy and then we beat Costa Rica, or we draw today and then beat Costa Rica by two or more goals and hope Uruguay don't beat Italy by three. Maybe its not the day of reckoning! But then if we start thinking like that we will end up like Spain. Basically there are lots of days of reckonings if you want to win the World Cup and for some teams their day of reckoning (as in the definitive final day) was yesterday.

Match of A Sentence: Netherlands 3 Australia 2
Australians realize the Dutch have a Swansea and Villa player in their team and fearlessly fight back to a get a 2 1 lead, spearheaded by Tim Cahill's wonder volley, only for the two robins to save the Dutch with irritatingly efficient style and ungracious smiles.

Match of A Sentence: Chile 2 Spain 0
A herd of Chilean zombie fans invade the media center in Rio, showing support for their incredibly, quick, talented  midget team, who destroys the World Champions in  the first half, only for the Spanish dwarfs to put themselves to sleep in the second, as they attempt to pass there way out of the competition.

Match of A Sentence: Cameroon 0 Croatia 4
Cameroon redefine self-destruct in football terms: its not poor defending, dodgy keeping and giving the ball away (though they did all that!), its offering to give the opposition an elbow massage while running, headbutting your fellow teammate and thinking that win bonuses are important when your country does not have enough money to run electricity or insure water sanitary, oh and Croatia scored some nice goals.

Don't Give Up the GhostBusters Job.....Andres Iniesta 

Arguably the greatest midfielder of the last decade bowed out of the World Cup with typical grace on the field and understated silence (if that's possible) off the pitch. Andres Iniesta has never looked like a footballer! His appearance is so normal and unassuming it's scarily familiar, until you realize you grew up with him as the spooky Dr Jonosz Poha from Ghostbusters Two. Before Andrea Iniesta dyed his hair, lied about his age and moved to Barcelona he was once an effeminate, camp, art historian, who was indoctrinated by the evil spirit of Vigo Capathian until he was released from evil spirit through sarcasm of Bill Murray. Maybe its not tiki taka that scared football teams across the globe but a shared suppressed memory in all footballers that Andre Iniesta had frightened them as children. Whatever the future for Spain, Andre Iniesta will always have Ghostbusters Two (and a Champions League medal, and the European Championship, and a World Cup).


Man Crush of the Day: Tim Cahill
It is hard to love Tim Cahill! He punches corner flags and snarls at them in the process. Like many crushes my attraction comes from fear and hate. An animosity that has been built up over the years through watching him score against Arsenal. A bully with finesse, as a Gooner (a term for an Arsenal fan to uninitiated) you have to be envious; as Arsenal players don't Cahill it (score through sheer will and physicality). When a player has been such a poacher and a bruiser all their career often their technique can be ignored. This is pure snobbery (mainly by Arsenal fans). Tim Cahill's beautiful bullet volley to equalise against Holland was not him rolling back the years but him crowning a glorious career. I only hope all the corner flags in the world can forgive him for being such a prick.

World Cup Predictor
"What gives a country an advantage at football?" Is a question that philosophers have pondered for many a lifetime. In the most simple and idiotic terms its the country that can fit as many football pitches on the land provided and going by that logic (that we need no space for hospitals, schools or people) today's world cup predictor is country's with the largest land mass.

Columbia(Ranked 26: 1,038,700 km ) VS Ivory Coast (Ranked 70: 318,003 km)
Jesus! Columbia is big. And Christ! Ivorians have the smallest coast. No contest here. 
Columbia 4 Ivory Coast 2

England (Not Ranked: 13, 395 km) VS Uruguay (Ranked 91: 175,015 km)
Sadly Wikipedia ranks England as part of the United Kingdom  covering 241, 930 km which ranks us at 80. Being English let's just pretend the entire of Scotland, Wales and Ireland are ours, like we did to all the other countries when we had an Empire. 
England 3 Uruguay 2 

Japan (Ranked 62: 364,485 km)  VS Greece (Ranked 97: 130,647 km)
Never new Japan was so huge, Godzilla stomps on Greece's small gods.
Japan 3 Greece 0

So the Day of Reckoning (part 1 to  an unknowable saga) starts today.... It seems pointless to say anymore (not that usually stops me).

Not Boring or Bad! Just Football!

So we finally have had our first bad day of football, not really bad as it is football, but this was the first day when you felt it could have been better. 

Match of A Sentence: Belgium 2 Algeria 1

Belgium ballerinas look really pretty but make a misstep to give Algeria the advantage and eventually resort to the British dance tradition of the bish bash bosh, with Ferllaini flourishing.

Match of A Sentence: Brazil 0 Mexico 0

No one likes expectant hosts at a party; so when a bunch of boring Brazilians queue up to score a goal or be rewarded a penalty kick and their Mexican guests don't oblige and their girly looking keeper is just plain rude, the locals protest. 

Match of A Sentence: Russia 1 South Korea 1

Dodgy goalkeepers throw the ball in, out, and shake it all about, leaving two third division World Cup teams to score the worse goals of the tournament, however their was a player called Shatov which the commentator pronounced "Shatoff" (sorry but it was a poor game).

Don't Give Up Rupaul's Drag Race........ Thiago Silva

Let's be honest, Brazilians make great drag queens! Neymar, Gustavo Silva, even Danny Alves  could be believed to seen strutting their stuff in stilettos at carnival , but Thiago Silva is the captain of the footballing divas. Cheekbones to die for! A feminine curved chin! Pouts to frighten any opponent! "I don't know if I want him to tackle me or make love to me," will run through any opposing striker's confused mind as Thiago's predatory and steely eyes befall them. Thiago could lead the queer revolution of football and everyone would follow him, especially yesterday's referee, who should of sent him off for producing such a gratuitous tackle.

Man Crush of the Day: Rafael Marquez 

Mexican goalkeeper Guillmero Ochoa may have produced the performance of the tournament so far but that's just one tournament! What about Rafael Marquez! Captain of Mexico at four world cups, Marguez has won the champions league, Spanish and French league titles and cups, and back in day was regarded as one of the greatest defenders in the world. Brilliant positioning and effortless technique are still  present at 35, though he has lost the pace and energy. No longer does he play as the play maker center half who may riffle a shot from long range. The legs are tired and the glory years are gone! However like most young girls I like my men older and wiser. Wearing a face that commands respect with years of experienced etched into his cold eyes. My love has been nurtured from the different ages of Marquez, from the pony tail gallantry, of his Barcelona playing career, to his present poise and courage, to run an offside trap against Brazil inside his own penalty area. Looking at the different eras of the man you can see why for over a decade so many strikers have gone  weak at knees, long before Thiago Silva got his tackle out. 

 World Cup Predictor

So yesterday was the most boring day so far in the World Cup, but it's not that boring because it was still football. Many friends think my decision to watch the world cup is tad obsessive and might be born about of depressive lack of something! Which again got me thinking about football! "As long as it makes you happy?" Is the frequent conclusion of my bemused chums often coupled with an indifferent shrug and again this attitude got me thinking about football. Football does not equal happy! Its bigger than that! Not that the simple equation might have some merit. So today's match predictions are based on the country happiness, using The Propeserty Index of 2013 (collated by Legatum Institute) which is the only global measurement of prosperity based both on income and well being (please visit the website   www.prosperity.com as its well worth a look). 

Croatia (Ranked 53) VS Cameroon (Ranked 115)

Croatians are supposedly twice as happy as Cameroonians! Tell that to your Croat friend and maybe they will cheer the fuck up (that means you George! And don't give me that I'm a Serb crap). 

Croatia 2 Cameroon 0 

Spain (Ranked 23) VS Chile (Ranked 35)

Again in my experience Chileans are far more fun loving than Spaniards! I guess that's cause all Chilians I know live in London and all Spaniards live in London. Spain 2 Chile 1

Netherlands (Ranked 9) VS Australia (Ranked 7)

The relaxed content culture of the Dutch against the aggressively joyous personalities of Oz. Personally I don't believe Australians can be as happy as they claim,they must be faking it! They have too much zealous energy  to be really happy, surely happy is relaxed not being loud and rude. Their boisterous celebrations  must be to hide that lack of not being miserable and English. Netherlands 2 Australia 2.

So I guess a blog post full of  homoerotic jokes about a player's tackle means I am finally scraping the football barrel for things to say. Maybe tomorrow's post can be written completely in football cliches. I just need to keep calm and carry on... Just like Joe Hart