The Uninvited World Cup

So it turns out that no one really likes football in Brazil and the national myth of samba, soccer and sex propagated by the world media should be replaced by the image of the socially conscious protester. Its great thing that the protests are happening but I just hope it does not make me feel guilty for watching all this football. It’s not like buying a Nestle Chocolate Bar in 90s? Or McDonalds? Or a Coca-Cola? Only Pele will forgive me and I don't trust him.

So here my guilt free but politically aware thoughts.

Match of a Sentence: Brazil vs Croatia: 3 - 1

Everyone knows the best parties don’t go to plan; so after Marcelo puts his foot in it, Fred had embarrassed himself by falling over, the guests had been robbed, and everyone had to rely on the kid with an obnoxious haircut and a shit eating grin to provide some class to a broken party, you really can’t be surprised that the local residents got upset and fired rocks at Adrian Chiles.

Don’t Give Up The Movie Job: Niko Kovac is Joseph Gordon Levitt

Great to see movie star, Joseph Gordon Levitt, moonlighting as Croatia’s manager. He must be going method for his next role as a football manager betrayed by sport he was sworn to protect, bringing an air of theatrics with his post-match comments “If that’s a penalty we don’t need to play football anymore.” 

Man crush of the Day: Oscar

Maybe its Calvin Klein bus advert but Oscar seemed to be the only classy Brazilian going forward.

World Cup Predictor

In keeping with theme set by yesterday's economic protests in Brazil, all of today’s matches will be predicted by their countries standing on 2014 Index on Economic Freedom (visit www.heritage.org/index/ranking ). I got to admit I think Economic freedom is a bit of an metaphysical oxymoron but I will leave that for another blog.

Mexico (Ranked 55) VS Cameroon (Ranked 136)

Comfortable 3-0 win for Mexico but luckily we know that in football terms it will actually be a tight game.

Spain (Ranked 49) VS   Netherlands (Ranked 15)

Anyone worried this game will be boring and not live up to the hype (see this graph)

Sure you are now thrilled at the prospect. If you’re having problems reading this graph, Spain lose 2-0. Upset!

Chile (Ranked 7) VS Australia (Ranked 3)

A tight match from two of the superpowers of economic freedom but Australia win 2-1.

More football irrelevance about Brazil 2014 tomorrow or as it should be re branded World Cup for The Uninvited. 

The Shortest World Cup Preview Ever: Group H

So here we are! About to witness a whole month of football but before we get lost in the theatre of international politics acted out on a football pitch let me provide the last word(s) on the final group.

Group G

Algeria are… Etranger

Etranger
noun qui viet d’un utre pays. (ENGLISH TRANSLATION: not good enough for the French team). 

Belgium are… Aspirant

Aspirant

noun a person who aspires, as one who seeks or desires a career, advancement, status, higher wages.: The Belgium aspirants for the world cup for the world cup had a great press release and fitted the media’s narrative agenda.

Russia are… Sleeper

Sleeper

noun 1 a person or thing that sleeps (on social liberties) 2. a heavy horizontal timber for distributing loads (they are a big team) 3. Any long wooden, metal, or stone piece lying horizontally as a sill or footing (don’t think they are going to cope with the heat) 4. Informal. Something or someone that becomes unexpectedly successful or important after a period of being unnoticed, ignored, or considered unpromising or a failure: Russia are a sleeper to reach quarter finals or more likely Russia are sleeper geo-political threat.

South Korea… Charm

Charm

noun 1 a power of pleasing or attracting, as through personality or beauty: Koreans have a charm of manner when they play that is infectious. 2 a trait or feature imparting this power (they always qualify). 3 charms, attractiveness. 4. something worn or carried on one’s person for its supposed magic effects (there must have been some reason how they reached the semi-finals of 2002 world cup).

No that that’s over and I can least say I have improved my vocabulary through football we can stop speculating and start reacting.

Tonight I expect a battle of the bad hairdos with Croatia coming a cropper with Brazil shaving past them by two goals. During the opening ceremony, watch out for ITV commentator and unofficial BNP spokesman, Clive Tyldseley, making snide remarks about FIFA, some embarrassing sexual allusions when an attractive women appears on screen and some unintentional causal racist remarks. Don’t expect him to call the Germans aeonian, describe Italy as opaque or celebrate Argentina’s acuity. Everyone has their niche when the world is football but Clive Tyldseley has actually inspired avant-garde musical theater….

I have not watched the entire thing but its all on Youtube! Please let me know if anyone has watched this all the way through but at the moment I am a bit too busy with all things world cup.

The Shortest World Cup Preview Ever: Group F

Group F

Iran are... Thanatophobia

Thanatophobia

noun an abnormal fear of death. (this team will beat itself before the opposition score)

Bosnia Herzogovina are …Raffle
Raffle
noun 1. a form of lottery in which a number of persons buy one or more chances to win a prize 2. to dispose of by a raffle 3. To take part in a raffle. (still don’t know if they are winners of the raffle or are worth the gamble)

Nigeria are… Upsurging

Upsurging
verb (used without object) to surge up; increase; rise: after hitting rock bottom and not qualifying Nigeria upsurged to win the African cup of nations. noun the act of surging up: a large or rapid increase: The upsurge of seas was caused by Moses. 

Argentina are… Acuity

 Acuity
noun sharpness; acuteness; keenness: acuity of vision; acuity of mind. (blink and you’ll miss the goals or them winning the world cup).

The below was sent by my mum and it’s the best England supporters song I have heard for this world cup, however I have heard none.

The Shortest World Cup Preview Ever: Group G

Group G

Another attempt to broaden the football vocabulary while at the same time shortening it. John Motson read this..

Germany are… Aeonian

Aeonian (love this word)

adjective everlasting ; eternal.

Portugal are… Gall

Gall (hate this word)

noun 1. Imprudence; effrontery.2 bile, especially that of an animal.3 something bitter or severe.4.bitterness of spirit; rancor. (Anyone who is not a Man U, Real or Portugal fan understands what I am getting at).

USA are… Lionize

Lionize (indifferent to his word)

verb (used with object) to exhibit the objects of interest of (place/person/or themselves). verb (used without object) to visit the objects of interest of interest of a place (basically they are like keen tourists).

Ghana are… Avengement

Avengement (impossible to be indifferent to this word)

noun the inflicting of retributive punishment; satisfaction taken

(they maybe not quite superheroes but watch out Uruguay).

And just to prove football and superheroes should never mix or Chelsea and Superheroes!            I give you

Doesn't that make you feel sick inside.

The Shortest World Cup Preview Ever: Group E

This maybe a reductive world cup preview but you have to agree it would improve most pundits vocabulary…

Group H

France are…Malfeasance (how evil does that word sound)

Malfeasance

noun the performance by a public official of an act that is legally unjustified (how did they get this easy), harmful (home of FIFA), or contrary to law (ask Ireland); wrongdoing (at least Nasri will not be there)

Ecuador are… Funambulist

Funambulist

noun a tightrope walker (good at high altitude (home games) rubbish away (every game at the world cup)).

Honduras are…. Mollycoddled

noun 1. A man of boy who is used to being coddled; a milksop (as the recent friendly against England demonstrated this team are bunch of big babies of the violent kind) verb (used with object), 2. To coddle pamper. The western media coddle Honduras football team despite them all being built like Brick-shit house.

Switzerland are… Normcore (will be in the Oxford Dictionary soon)

noun is a unisex fashion trend characterized by unpretentious, average-looking clothing (not saying they are an asexual team they are just a bit per functionary)

And just to prove normcore is a real thing…

For the record Jerry, George, Krammer and Elaine will not be playing for Switzerland because that would be anything but normal.

The Shortest World Cup Preview Ever: Group D

Group D

Let the derision continue. Especially as this entire group is defined by one team…

  

Costa Rica are …. Deign

Deign

verb (used without object)1.to think fit or in accordance with one's dignity; condescend: They would not deign to win the game

  

Uruguay are … Disenthralled

Disenthralled

verb (used with object) to free from bondage ; liberate: to be disenthralled from defensive responsibilities and let Daniel Sturbridge score

Italy are… Opaque

Opaque

adjective 1. not transparent or translucent; impenetrable to light; not allowing light to pass through (I am now getting nervous as I type).2. not transmitting radiation (good to know) 3. not shining or bright; dark ; dull 4. hard to understand; not clear; obscure: The definition remains opaque despite the help of an online dictionary. 5. Dull, stupid, or unintelligent (I think you can take comfort from this last one).

England are… Resurrection

Resurrection

noun 1. The act of rising from the dead 2. ( initial capital letter ) the rising of Gerrard after his slip and humiliation. 3 ( initial capital letter ) the rising of the dead on the day of judgement (14/06/14). 4. The state of those risen form the dead (lovely Roy Hodgson). 5. a rising again from as from decay, disuse, Kevin Nugent, etc, etc,

They are making one with David's face being replaced by Daniel for this tournament

long may supporting England continue till the day of reckoning

The Shortest World Cup Preview Ever: Group C

Group C

Japan are… belittle

(Not because of the average height of the team but the nature of media’s attitude towards them)

Belittle

verb (used with object), to regard or portray as less impressive or important than appearances indicate; depreciate; disparage.

Ivory Coast are…. Brawny (because athletic would be too much of a racist commentary cliché)

adjective. muscular; strong.

Greece are….. Mythos

Mythos

verb, the underlying system of beliefs(defend, defend and defend), especially those dealing with supernatural   forces (like how do they qualify), characteristic of a particular cultural group.

Columbia are Fusilade

 noun 1.a simultaneous or continuous discharge of firearms.2.a general discharge or outpouring of anything: a fusillade of shots, goals, fusillades. 2.verb (used with object), scoring.